It gets to the point when I wish death upon my husband several times a day. I obsess over the wish that he’ll have a heart attack or an anneurism and just drop the fuck dead and out of my life. I want to divorce him but he’ll only make parenting our son a miserable experience. He lacks all ability be the bigger person, to be a good example for our son, to play nice because little eyes are watching. When he’s drunk, nothing he says is wrong. Everyone else is always at fault. He does bloated outrage and entitlement like its an olympic sport and he goes for fucking gold every time.

I don’t trust him to be a good father to DS if we split custody. He’ll do irresponsible things around DS simply to show me that nobody tells him what to do(!) and he won’t even bat an eye at the thought that this doesn’t make him a good dad. He thinks he’s the better parent simply because he’s home while I’m at work. It doesn’t occur to him that I’m home while HE’S at work too. So fucking what?

He was already buzzed when I got home from work. He was all happy that DS let him nap for 3 hours this afternoon. Who the fuck sleeps 3 hours during the day while his 3 year old sits and watches Youtube videos?

Today he cheerfully admitted that he’s probably an alcoholic, albeit a functional one, since he doesn’t drink until 5pm and doesn’t drink before work or on the job. I suspect he feels admitting it makes it acceptable. All I ask is that he stay sober while home with our son and he choses not to. Yes, CHOSES, because he’s not so much of an alcoholic that he can’t help himself yet. At this point, he just choses to do it. I know this because sometimes he choses not to.

When I finally divorce him, he’ll fight me on everything relating to custody because he’s also a narcisist and does superiority with as much gusto as he does entitlement and outrage.

He called me up at work today to announce that his pay period was skipping a week and he needed me to pay some bills. I was fine with this and let him know that it would be fine and that I’d do what I could. I could already tell on the phone that he was going to make this a hard night.

I ordered $150 worth of groceries so all he’d have to do was pick them up and he complained about the things left off the list, complained that he wanted to be in on making the order (insinuating that I failed to make the order correct).

I pulled $20 out of the ATM for him, because he asked. I paid most of the household bills without complaint, because I told him I was okay doing my part when I had the extra money. This is our savings, unempleyment money I held onto in case I get furloughed again.

And when it came time to pay his credit cards I asked him to check his phone for a code since his bank didn’t recognise my laptop.

This of all things set him to complaining and making rude faces at me. Because he wanted me to use his computer to pay his bills and I chose to use my own. Somehow getting up to grab his phone from the kitchen was too much. He accused me of inconvieniencing him.

I snapped and told him I was so sorry my paying the bills was too inconvienient for him and he scoffed, because apparently he sees this as an opportunity to punish me for not being the breadwinner. He has the audacity to tell me not to fuck with him. Me asking him not to be a dick to me while I’m trying to pay his credit cards is “fucking with him”.

This is how he gets whenever I dare stand up for myself. He turns it around to make himself the victim of my abuse. He lashes out, I tell him to knock that shit off, and he gets all “How dare you! Stop bullying me!” and storms out of the room for the rest of the night.

I have nowhere to go except my sister’s and she lives 18 hours away. I’m pretty sure my husband would report me as a kidnapper if I packed my son up and left. God, just kill him for me! Send a bold of lightening, Let him die of COVID. I just can’t live like this anymore!

My husband is a teacher. Not some uneducated slob. He should be better than he is, but he’s not. It’s all for show. Anyone who doesn’t live with him thinks he’s this jolly life of the party. He’s a fraud and I’m stuck with him.