I sometimes think that we as human beings are socialized to be subconsciously self-destructive. We are never allowed to truly be happy. We are always told to want more. That nothing is ever enough.
Life is just an empty field of pain. Anempty field littered with puddles of emotion and agony. Everday I stumble through the puddles, soaking my clothes, drops of muddy water staining my cheeks as I cry the tears I've been holding in for so long. And in a world where most individuals would be able to return to their feet and carry on,the puddles I wade through grow deeper and deeper until I can hardly move. The water level, threatening with an intense fury,rises slowly and surely until I cannot breathe.Some call this depression, I call thisreality.
A reality that I have been slapped inthe face with for two long, agonizing years. Am I just some feeble experiment,some helpless being that the universe, like a bully, chooses to cause persistent anxiety and distress, enough to make me just want to lie down and cry "uncle"? It dangles happiness on a string in front of my face, saying, "Just reach out and grab it. Happiness is within reach." And as soon as I lay a single finger
on it, the universe pulls it away, laughingwith a viciousness that leaves me feeling empty and defeated.
What only makes depression more unbearable, which seems impossible to do, is that only a handful of people truly understand what it feels like to have your life in a constant tumble down an endless hill. (And even those people know how to say exactly the wrong things.)
"It'll be ok."
"Just hang in there."
"You'll feel better soon."
"You shouldn't feel that way."
"Just be happy."
"Don't be so negative."
"You don't have to feel this way."
"Choose to feel better."
"If you just do this, everything will be better."
"I UNDERSTAND."
No.
You don't. You don't understand what life feels like when you have to convince yourself thateverything–every ounce of pain, agony, suffering, negative thought–is worth it just to getout of bedin the morning. To have to use anticipation and anticipation aloneto carry on.You don't understand how it feels to live with a weight on your chest and a voice in your head saying, "You are worthless. You will never be goodenough.Just give up."
"Well just ignore those voices."
Impossible.
It is IMPOSSIBLE to completely negate a part of yourself. Because depression is a part of me. It is just as real to me as the air that you breathe is to you. As God is to you.Depression is not a choice. It is a chemical imbalance in the brain. It is a forcedway of life.
And because of this, I ruin everything that is good in my life.
1 Comment
  1. ladygreen 10 years ago

    You are an extremely talented writer.  People here understand because we struggle with the same things.  Depression is a part of you (and me) but it is not the whole.  It is absolutely a chemical imbalance.  It is a reality which will be a part of your (and my) life forever.  Meds help me function.  Without them I would not be able to get out of the bed. The voice in your head is part of the illness.  For me, coming to DT chat helps.  Chat provides acceptance, understanding, support and no judgement.   It varies from extremely serious stuff to just plain silliness. Here you can reach out to others who care for and about you.  I hope you will find friends and comfort here.  Take care of you.

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