On Friday the 8th of August I walked away from my appointment with a clinical psychologist and decided that one day I would kill myself. I didn’t realise the significance of that at the time – it just seemed like the best course of action to take. I don’t have any regrets about that decision. I feel no shame about the events that occurred afterward, but I am sorry for the people around me. In many ways it has brought me closer to my limited social network, but the awkwardness hasn’t been broken down yet. If I could just hug somebody right now then I will have turned full circle, but there is nobody to hug. Despite their oohing and aahing I still feel abandoned, why the hell won’t they hug me? I need to process the events of last week.
I never realised that the traffic heading into Fremantle would be so bad in the afternoon, and I kept checking my watch to monitor exactly how late I would be. In the end I was on time exactly. I found a parking spot quite easily and managed to scrape the front bumper on the edge of the curb as I parked. It was quite loud and I think I attracted the attention of a few passers by.
Leaving that incident aside I started walking down High street trying to find number 195. When I found it I was shocked. I was expecting a doctors surgery or an office building, but what I found was a drop-in centre. It was about the size of a public toilet and the sign on the window said “Free counselling”. There were a few people outside the building and I could see movement inside. None of them looked particularly friendly. I touched the referral from my doctor and almost felt ashamed. I got as far as turning the door handle, but there was no way I could walk into that building with a note from my doc and ask for counselling.
So I walked back to my car and cried. I had paid for an hour and a half worth of parking, but I didn’t even use five minutes of it. On the way home I realised that housemate A might be home from work, and it was possible that sister 1 had told her I was going to see a psychologist. I didn’t want to return home early have to explain myself so I drove to a nearby park and hung out there. After an hour or so I returned home.
When I got home I switched off the ignition of the car I sat there for a few minutes. When I heard the back door open I got out of the car, and after leaving the garage I found housemate A standing outside talking on the phone. She most likely had a phone call for me, but I ignored her. I went straight to the bin, threw my referral in it and walked down the street. I didn’t bother going into the house, or asking who was on the phone. I walked for about half an hour and landed at the beach. I sat at the beach for about an hour and a half and played a fishing game on my mobile phone.
The main reason I mention that walk is because that was when I chose the tree I was going to hang myself from. I had already purchased a rope to hang myself on Thursday and I was just trying to find something nice to hang myself from. The tree had a nice low branch which came up to a reasonable height. I liked that tree. After returning home I threw all my medication and prescriptions into the bin, drank a little whisky and went to bed.
Saturday passed without incident. After deciding to kill myself I was happy. I felt as though I could start to live my life again. I got up in the morning and pruned the front roses and weeded the garden beds. Then I fired up the lawn mower and mowed the front and back lawns. At night I went out with sister 1 to the greyhound racing. It was fun. I drank, I gambled, I ate a lot of prawns.
On Sunday I went out for yum cha with the same sister. She wanted to talk about the appointment with the psychologist. I told her it had gone well. Then she asked me about my doctor’s appointment on Monday. On Monday the doctor was due to put me on different medication and I wasn’t thrilled about it. In fact after throwing out my meds I had decided that I wasn’t going to see the doctor ever again. When she asked me about that I turned cold inside. I didn’t want to talk to her and she knew it. I became uncommunicative and lunch was awkward.
In the afternoon I felt depressed so I went out and bought a bottle of 15 year old Glenfarclas. Then I made a vegetable soup because I had nothing else to do. I decided to try and go to church at night, because I had missed the last 6 weeks. When the worship service started I couldn’t stop crying. I was surrounded by strangers and I couldn’t stop crying. I heard some people talking behind me.
“I’m going to ask him what’s wrong after the service”
“Yeah good idea”
When it came to meet and greet I was thrilled. Normally everybody jumps up, finds their mates and starts talking. Normally I have to explain to somebody I don’t know that I’ve been going to this place for a whole year and nobody knows who the hell I am. This time everybody was asked to stand up and move around before they started talking. Now the goal of this is to allow people to see people they wouldn’t normally talk to. However it also freed up the pews and allowed me to slip out without disturbing anybody. I went to the carpark, jumped in the car and went home.
When I got home I watched Samurai Champloo and drank a quarter of a bottle of Laphroaig. I really wanted to speak to housemate A that night. But I turned off all the lights after I had finished watching TV. When she came home she didn’t see me lying in the dark and I didn’t call out after her. She went to bed without saying hello and I went back to my room soon afterwards.