dont really know where to begin posting so i thought here was as good a place as any!

not sure what am writing here,so so much has one on in my life to brin me to this very low depressive point but when i started typing it i was appaled at how long and complicated it all was!

i guess the basics of this really i have been with my partner for nearly 22 years and over those years i guess really he has used mental cruelty on me that has worn me right down! dont get me wrong hes not an outright nasty man and to some extent we still get on but theres no love anymore. tryed to leave him 8 years ago but he used the kids against me threatening to take them away from me! i know deep down he could never have done it but he knows me well enough to know i couldnt cope with even the idea of it so he had me backed into a corner and i felt i couldnt go!

so after 8 years of coasting along and trying to make the best of it  we arrive here. he spends little to no time with his kids who are now old enough to notice and feel this and resent thim very much for it..i have to all intense purposes been a single parent! he constantly clashes with them and brings thme down refusing to see that they are good kids and hes lucky to have them! he has a total negative outlook on life quite often saying he wont live much longer cus hes had heart bypass and heart problems and is diabetic but does nooootthing to help himself! he belittles me whenver he can.. in the name of it being a joke… i apologise i cant see the joke in being called a thick imbecile in front of my son!!!

so am suffeirng very badly at the moment feeling like am a failure,wandering round like a lost soul , hardly able to do a single thing in a house that resembles a bomb site! my kids see me this walking mess and am ashamed of it so very much, they deserve so much more! thank god we all have a very good bond between us! they all want for us to move on from here but am scared witless of making that move! have never had to be that independant before , especially not with 4 kids. i dont have a penny to my name cus although i work in the shop he doesnt pay me cus its a "family buisness!" i have no idea what to do but i know i have to do it soon before i go out of my mind. am on prozac but i cant see it being any good until i get out of this situation that has dragged me into a deep pit of despair!!

 

sorry its long and rambly but i hope it gives some understanding of me and my plight xxxx

2 Comments
  1. Robi 12 years ago

    Dear Angeleyes71,

    I am so sorry to hear of your vast troubles.  All I can say is, do what ever you can to hold on to your childrens” love.  I find that my children are the only people that keep me going and for all the right reasons.  I believe that they love me even when i can not trust adults to love me.  I care for them deeply enough to keep going for them; as hard as that is sometimes.  Use their love to give you the strength to do what you need to for your sanity.  I have a pretty unsupportive husband.  He does not help me when i am sick or depressed.  He can be down right sarcastic.  I was married for 16 years to a man that would do that to me sometimes too.  It cuts me to the bone because i trusted them with my heart.  I joined the "tribe" so i could have a palce to talk to others who experience the pain of depression like i do.  So far every one here  has been great and supportive, a feeling i am not used to recieving.  I hope that your out pour of pain will get similar results and will help you through your misery.  I still have bad days when i got sick and down.  But when i was well enough i jumped right to my computer and started writing.  I am always worried that i am complaining or whining too much; I have been conditioned to think that way by my loved ones and friends.  But so far no one here has made me feel badly for expressing my thoughts and feelings.  So, please hang in there and write as often as you need to get it all off of your shoulders.  I think this site was develped for a reason; for us to have a safe place to express ourselves so we don”t go insane or commit suicide.  I am grateful and i am here for you anytime.  Please keep in touch and i will do the same.

    Hang in there

    Robi

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  2. Rock64 12 years ago

    Hello dear. I am so sorry for your situation. I seem to say that a lot here. You really need to make a decision for your own sanity. On one hand, you kids are what are tying you down to this guy, but they are also the ones who can give you the strength to pull yourself out of it. If they are starting to see whos the one they can count on for love and support, they will understand why you did it. Do you have government assistance in the UK? You might be able to get out on your own that way. No money is a handicap I think a lot of women with children have to cope with. This guy sounds self destructive, wallowing in self pity, and doesnt seem to mind taking the rest of you down with him. Hes needs to get help or you need to cut him loose. IMO

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