dont really know where to begin posting so i thought here was as good a place as any!
not sure what am writing here,so so much has one on in my life to brin me to this very low depressive point but when i started typing it i was appaled at how long and complicated it all was!
i guess the basics of this really i have been with my partner for nearly 22 years and over those years i guess really he has used mental cruelty on me that has worn me right down! dont get me wrong hes not an outright nasty man and to some extent we still get on but theres no love anymore. tryed to leave him 8 years ago but he used the kids against me threatening to take them away from me! i know deep down he could never have done it but he knows me well enough to know i couldnt cope with even the idea of it so he had me backed into a corner and i felt i couldnt go!
so after 8 years of coasting along and trying to make the best of it we arrive here. he spends little to no time with his kids who are now old enough to notice and feel this and resent thim very much for it..i have to all intense purposes been a single parent! he constantly clashes with them and brings thme down refusing to see that they are good kids and hes lucky to have them! he has a total negative outlook on life quite often saying he wont live much longer cus hes had heart bypass and heart problems and is diabetic but does nooootthing to help himself! he belittles me whenver he can.. in the name of it being a joke… i apologise i cant see the joke in being called a thick imbecile in front of my son!!!
so am suffeirng very badly at the moment feeling like am a failure,wandering round like a lost soul , hardly able to do a single thing in a house that resembles a bomb site! my kids see me this walking mess and am ashamed of it so very much, they deserve so much more! thank god we all have a very good bond between us! they all want for us to move on from here but am scared witless of making that move! have never had to be that independant before , especially not with 4 kids. i dont have a penny to my name cus although i work in the shop he doesnt pay me cus its a "family buisness!" i have no idea what to do but i know i have to do it soon before i go out of my mind. am on prozac but i cant see it being any good until i get out of this situation that has dragged me into a deep pit of despair!!
sorry its long and rambly but i hope it gives some understanding of me and my plight xxxx