It doesn't happen often but some days, who I used to be slams into me like a freight train. I was so drastically different 10 years ago that sometimes it shocks me that I actually used to be someone who was somewhat "normal".

I used to be in pagents. This notion actually kinda surprised my boyfriend because he never thought I'd be the type to do a beauty pagent. The one pagent, I did such a good job answering my question that people were claiming that I had been coached. I hadn't. I just liked to talk and they asked me what my favorite ride was. I liked riding the Space Odyssey with my Mom so I just began jabbering on and on about it. The girl who ended up winning was asked, "What is your favorite color?"

Her answer was, "Black"…

I used to be a majorette. I was in parade after parade after parade and I loved it. I don't even remember why I ever stopped. I'll have to ask my Mom about that some day.

I was a major tomboy, too. I could twirl a batton and look cute in a dress and then turn right around and roll around in the dirt with the boys. I was almost always covered in bruises from just rollerblading, playing basketball, and, well, being a kid.

Today, I don't play sports. I haven't played a sport since I was about 11 or 12. I haven't been in a parade for at least as long. I don't even feel like that person was me, we're as different as day and night. The realization that I used to have a life hit me so hard that I couldn't help but cry. What happened to me?

Over the summer, my Dad said that he ran into one of the girls I used to go to school with and "maybe you two could get together and catch up one of these days". This girl picked on me. She was stuck up even in elementary school. She'd spend 5+ minutes fixing her hair in the bathroom mirror and we'd have to stand there and watch her. In middle school, she picked on me. She was a bitch and to me, will always be a bitch. I know that forgiving her won't make me feel better. I don't feel held back by her at all. I feel held back by the severe damage that was wreaked on my personality, my health, my sanity, my confidence, my happiness… I don't need this girl's presence, I don't need to be "bigger" than her, I just need to undo what a bunch of country hicks did to me almost 10 years ago.

I'm going to give it another shot. I'm going to take a shower and go to the bookstore because I've been meaning to. Then I am going to clean my room. I need to go back to who I was before depression hit and completely reshaped my entire way of living.

1 Comment
  1. snowdreamer 13 years ago

    Honey when I look back at who I used to be I wonder the same thing, what happened to that me?  I used to play baseball, cheerleading, go to parties and sleep overs and I actually did well in school but then the depression that hit me at 14yrs old took control of my life and it was downhill after that.  I know on FB there are so many people I went to school with and I thought I'd get back in touch with them but none of them were really my friends I was a loner.  i did find my best friend that I had since I was 4yrs old and we'd lost touch about 10yrs ago when I moved away and we wrote a couple of times and gave her my phone number but I haven't heard from her again since.  I just said forget it so now I'm just trying to accomplish things around here and try to get some hobbies going that I used to do and try to find a little happiness again, happiness inside myself you know?  does that make any sense?

    Well honey good luck and  hopefully we both will find some answers but we must move forward and leave the past behind and that's hard to do.   Patience with myself will be hard to but I'm determined and I hope you are too darlin….lots of love, snow

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