So…Still in the hospital, I might be released Friday, if not hopefully by this weekend. But, It looks like i'll have to go home w/the Ng tube still in, It won't be permanent but then again it's up to those idiot doctors when i'll be able to have it taken out.

But that's whenever I am released anyway.. Ugh. One thing has been also adding to my anxiety is what day nurses and night nurses i'll get, So far this week I've has Cecelia, And I've had her in the past times I was in the hospital as well, So it's takes alittle stress off…

They're doing shift change now, So i'll be seeing how my nigh nurse is within a few minutes, I hope it's not a certain one I've had last time, Because she sent me into a panic attack, and has horrible people skills…So I rather not be sen into another panic attack tonight…

I was able to stay in my room today, With the exception of when physical therapy came…ugh…So I didn't have that risk of running into that same boy, or anyone else in that stupid playroom, Honestly it might be useful to some people, But I rather stay in my hospital room.

Oh…And yesterday the 'Avengers' soundtrack came out, So my friend Kim went out and got it for me as a present

(It comes with a Black veil brides poster, and within the soundtrack has songs by BVB, Rise Against, Evanescence, Papa roach. which are all gonna be used in the movie as well…and the song by BVB is called 'Unbroken' I love it.)

Anyway…I also updated my "Blood Stained Tears" story, So it got my mind off of things for a bit. And I also drew some more today, I'm trying different shading styles, The last picture I showed you (In the other blog entry) was a light shade, and for these two pictures I used a medium shade…I'm still trying different shades so I'm not sure what I like better at the moment…

But, My pain is really acting up, (Cecelia is coming back with morphine to give me before she leaves for the night, That's also when I'll see who I have for my night nurse.)

But the pain in my stomach is adding to my anxiety, and my body won't stop shaking because it just feels so weak. And again having to hide all my other problems is stressful, I know some of you have said that I should tell someone,But I'm not ready, especially not while I'm in the hospital.

So, again my day was bittersweet, and I'm just physically and mentally tired…and the wound of losing Ali is still fresh to me, And I keep blaming myself for it…I keeping trying to think what I did wrong, or could of done differently so that she wouldn't of ditched me, especially during this time right now…

I keep wondering if it's because she doesn't like that i'm 'goth', or I'm not pretty enough, or just…I was a waste of her time. I've always had such horrible thoughts about myself, but now that she's left, Those thoughts have increased ten fold.

Well…I guess i'll see everyone later…I'll let you know how my night goes…and also, To those that have left comments saying they're glad that I decided to keep blogging, thanks. I just hope I won't end up annoying anyone.

1 Comment
  1. Mo 9 years ago

    Awesome artwork…it looks very professional and you have great drawing skills. I hope you get out soon…you have been a real trooper. I wish you the best.

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