It's been very up and down lately. One of those weeks where I get out of bed wondering what my chances are of making it through the day without having a meltdown of some sort. DH thinks it's the normal nerves of a woman planning her wedding. I think not, but I try not to burden him with explanations about clinical depression and how I don't need a tangible reason to feel like garbage. Getting cut off on the drive home after a bad day at work can set me off for days before I even understand what's really going on.
Anyway, I do know the underlying problem(s) and I'm simply having a hard time pretending to take things in stride. There's something to be said about the "fake it til you make it method", but part of me is too stubborn to fake anything right now.
Truth is, I'm content with being married to DH. I don't need a wedding anymore. We're MARRIED. I want to take our money and go on a kick-ass, mind-bending honeymoon (because we NEVER go anywhere). Instead we're still throwing this wedding for people too selfish to understand why we needed to get married in secret in the first place.
I was crippled up and in horrible pain and and DH wanted to put me on his health insurence so I could either get surgery or epidural shots. DH felt that he was taking drastic measures to take care of his woman by doing this in private, in the hopes that we'd have a wedding in another year.
All his sisters could do was bitch and moan and throw tantrums about not being invited to something we wanted to keep private, so DH lied and told them we weren't going through with it (when we had actually already done it). Instead of standing his ground and telling them that this wasn't about them and it wasn't some party they weren't being invited to, he caved.
This upsets me, because now I feel like we're burning all this money to please his family who couldn't even be bothered to show up to my college graduation party because someone had a soccer game cheer practice or some such crap. And after witnessing how bad my back had gotten, they still wanted to make a fuss about being at the courthouse with us–when we knew they'd just try to fenagle us into doing it on a day better suited to their needs.
It also upsets me becasue we have to spend nearly $400 on a Christian minister so we can have someone pretend to marry us in front of his family.
My mom and sister are (in EVERY sense) unavailable when I need support and ideas and I don't have any sane or reliable female friends to stand up with me anymore.
No only that, but we don't have very much money saved. DH is willing to charge anything leftover on credit cards. So now, we get to be in credit debt on top of everything else.
Hope they all enjoy the free food and booze.
The other day I had a colossal meltdown and told DH I didn't want to do it anymore. His defence to my constant hesitancy is: "But we both agreed we were doing this"…which means I'd be cheating him out of a wedding if I bowed out.
I wish I was a bigger asshole so I could.
Maybe, I should be throwing this thing for him. He's really the only person I can count on being there anyway. The rest of them can go F*** themselves.