well here goes my first blog….well not my first i've actually been on this site before but got wrapped up in things going on around me and sorta forgot about it :/ not good i know…. but anyway im back and hopefully i can meet some people i cant talk to learn somethings from and become friends with. so i guess itd be good to tell a lil about me here……im 22 and i've been duking it out with depression and anxiety for about 7 yrs now and yea it sucks lol but i guess everyone here knows that. usually when im asked how i feel my response is i dont know cause i honestly dont know. i have yet to find i word the could describe how i honestly feel at any given moment. if i said i was depression it would be like "duh what about?" to that i have no answer other than "things". being depressed just seems to be my natural state in recent years. depressed and irritated….depressed and frustrated….depressed and anxious. between all that there are moment when im happy and excited about things but by the end of the day im usually back where i started. i do try to see the good and be thankful for those moments when im really happy and not thinking about the negativ side of things….just a little difficult at times.

i started seeing a therapist again earlier this year after lossing my job and getting into a depressed funk. it wasnt much of a job but it got me away from the tense, stresssing atmosphere of home. now i'm looking for another job and i havent had any luck which is really upsetting. not having a job has me stuck and i hate feeling stuck it quickly turns into feeling trapped which causes me to panic. anyway i havent seen my therapist in a very good while probably all summer. it just felt like a waste of time and money because i could never talk about what was bothering i never felt any better when i left. i dont know maybe i didnt give it enoough time this go around. my bbf keeps telling me i should go back and i do agree with her . the last few months have been horrible in short it feels like im at the bottom of i very steep icey hill pulling everything i've done, want to do, need to do behind me. and not only is that hil iced over theres ditches and boulders all along my path. exhausting……

anyway i think thats enough for now. i just got a call from my aunt that should have made me happy and relax a lil but it was upseting. she wants to help me with some of my expenses till i get a job. the fact that she wants to help me out is great and i really appreciate it its just the fact that i need the help that gets to me