MY RAMBLING WORRIES & UPDATES
Current mood: restless
Category: Blogging

Ive been officially living down here in Summerville S.C. just over almost 3 months now. Jason has met my parents & I have made 2 trips to his family’s home in the Kentucky mountains (& he almost couldnt get me out haha) My kitty Ginger is now here tho in hiding as we are not allowed pets here…my other kittty Princess is adopted by her uncles Erik & Peter & loving her new big house :=) My pups are no longer in Michigan.. not here with me either…Jasons Mom & Step Dad Andy have been great & had Kayla & Lance with them in Kentucky since Memorial wk end…since we dont have a place STILL due to problems w/the house we were supposed to close on June 1…Grrrr…So now we are stuck & seriously in trouble….no place to go where we can have the dogs & cant keep them at his Moms 4ever…I miss them so much…it get lonely here sometimes :=( Jason works lots n works hard…he really is the best…it’s already been so long with me being away from my pups…I left Michigan in April…especially since Lance wasnt with me at my Mom & Dads the whole time…the stress is awful for us both…I feel bad like it’s my fault since I moved down here & have the dogs…but IDK…they do come w/me so….they r my babies…Jasons job is so beyond stressful too & it isnt good for him or his health & I worry so much & he is sooo stubborn & wont see a doctor for anything…His back, being way too tired, and some other stuff.. Sometimes I just feel like Im more a problem then anything & dont really have any friends here yet as I dont go anywhere to make any n school wont start til fall…So I dont get out much..I just worry lots & have too much time to do it…I do get to hang out with Anna sometimes tho Jason’s one sis :=) She is my shopping buddy sometimes hit I finally got to meet Jason’s other sis Angel n hung out w/her some when I was in KY & I think shes cool too…especially this last time since we were there a lil longer & we got to hang out n talk a lil more… but anyways…idk i just worry bout stuff…everything all the time…I never feel like I deserve to be happy or good things….SO I feel like I brought my bad luck to Jason to w/our house finding problems & all….I wonder if maybe I am more trouble then Im worth? I love him so much & things were going so good but now it is all stressed out & then add to that this thing w/my having to get oral surgurey & no insurance to cover that….so grrr more $$ issues on that…I think…ok i KNOW we need a miracle here soon. Some good luck, a home for us & a little r & r :=) Jason deserves it even if I dont. He works too hard to not get some break soon. Im sad & cranky & my mouth really hurts…well Im done rambling for now. But at least we are blesesd with families that love us & help us & support us as much as they can. I wish I could do more to help but my health has been off n on recently… Beside the mouth stuff… My asthma doesnt like S.C. haha & lot of chest pains… But prolly just from stress… Im thinking if we can get a place & get settled finally we will both be way better off. Ok all new docs n for me…that is lots haha…well idk bout this one..this guy i went to this morning..hm? *scratches head*but i got the meds i needed for now so…I went to get an assesment today at another place this morning…they r sending me to a different shrink…but cant see me til the 13th WTF :=( so IM S.O.L. until then IDK what im gonna do til then I feel like im just falling apart. I had treid to have a positive attitude for a long time & keep jason’s spirits up too…but after sooo many things going wrong over n over,,,idk *pouts* he seems to think things cant go right now or we wont get a break…n im starting to wonder if we ever will myself…not sure what we should or can do now…seems we try so hard n keep hitting brick walls…doesnt seem fair…again if not for me at least for him…i know he tries so hard…n worries lots…about me…the pups, plus of course his family too…ugh i just really miss my pups n sure wish we would find a home for us n be able to bring them home…then i could finally start unpacking n stop living out of boxes n make our new home :=) (i kinda unpacked but figured no point doing too much if im gonna move again)

What to do,how to know & an aching heart
Current mood: depressed
Category: Blogging

So hm Im not really sure what to do anymore. I love Jason more then ANYTHING…that is not even a question in my mind….or I would not have moved here & would for sure not still be here. However….things recently..IDK just arent the same…he isnt the guy that asked me to move here.. I KNOW there is sooo much stress for him…the house stuff, work, the dog stuff. Prolly even just getting used to me being here. But there is SOOO much stress for me too. OMG moving my whole life over 900 miles from all I ever knew. Giving up my goal & plan I worked SOOO hard for of going to TN & the TON of $$ for school. PLUS EVERYONE that knows me knows how MUCH I LOVE the mountains & being there & feel like that is my home. I still look at the pix of the Smokies online everyday…LOL I cant help it :=) Jason had promised earlier this yr we would go bk…but now..IDK what will happen due to $$ & all. GRRR…that is partly why I LOVE going to his families in KY & would LOVE to live there hehe :=) Anyways…being here is a HUGE adjustment for me…Im REALLY not used to being away from family as Im very close to mine even tho they truly drive me crzy too haha…also the couple good friends I do have back home I miss TONS As I mentioned b4 I really havnt mad any here yet…SO btw that & not having my pups here…I feel lonely & isolated… I also hate to sounded spoiled & bratty but Im REALLY not used to living in such a small space & with all my stuff crammed in makes it even smaller & me unable to really unpack & not knowing where most of my things are… I just feel very out of sorts…After all…til I moved in w/my parents in Dec…I lived alone (well aside of my critters) in a BIG house…at the last place I had about 1700 sg ft & a basement & big yard…b4 that over 2200 sq ft & a basement & HUGE triple lots yard. At my parents…we had about 1300 sq ft & a basement but no yrd. But at our place now it is very small & the one room isnt used other them 4 storage & the cat. so we use the living room which is also in the kitchen/eating area. Tho we eat in the living room but is is really all the same area With two & sometimes three in that space some times it just feels WAY too small. Before we had all my stuff it wasnt as bad…But now with all my stuff there is no room to breathe Our bedroom is hardly a sneeze away from that & then the bathroom in our bedroom. IDK…..IF someone comes to our door (we use the bk door) they can see in the bedroom…AGAIN I HATE…to sound bratty n spoiled…its just me not being used to it & also my stuff all in here…I mean I have LOTS of stuff added in this lil place & Grr…IDK…I really love , care so much fro Jason n know he works so hard n try so hard. :=( IDK. Also I miss my dogs so much & if they were here would have them for company as weird as that sounds. Plus I miss taking them for walks n stuff. I had $18,000 FOR GRANTS N AID oops at University of Tennessee…for some reason IDK what or why I have not yet heard a peep of anything on aid from school here in S.C. where I have transfered. That shouldnt matter my transfering I mean..since it was over half governement grant $$. So…& without that I can NOT go to school this yr. Which means all I worked for is tossed :=( At least for this yr. That also means I will have no way to meet ppl or mothing to do really. Im limited in what I can do work wise due to health,etc. Thats another thing. My Bi Polar has been CRAZY worse recently the one med I was taking Lamictal I had to stop as I broke out in a rash from it. It is known very well for causing that, Which left me ONLY on Topamax…That isnt working well on its own. I FINALLY went to a doc here last Friday & he eh…IDK not sure about him.He is saying he is leaving me just on it even tho I explained how much worse I have been & that it is affecting me & my life A LOT. MAking my mood swings worse me feel bittchy & depressed & out of sorts & grrr…also told him I have never been on JUST one thing when one Topamax. He didnt even ask for my Doc’s name from Michigan or want my records or anything. Usually in my past experience especailly with my various issues & health probs…any doc I have gone to (even the dentist I just saw) wants to have records from your last doc & to talk to them maybe even…etc. He didnt want any of that..which I thought was weird & so did my Mom. That could help him with my treatment…save him LOTS of time n trouble,etc. He wanted me to have psyc testing im like doc I am on medicare & poor I cant afford testing & i have had the things that r wrong w/me almost my whole life. The flippin governement gives me disability cause Im so messed up btw my Tourettes, seizures, Bi Polar, OCD, ADD, Learning Disabilites, Panic/Anxiety attacks, if u want tests we have some from a couple yrs ago & a few yrs b4 that & b4 that up the wazzoo..I also have some IQ test if u like doc. GEEZ! Anything for a buck! He did give me the one thing i REALLY needed which was a refil on my Topamax as I had been out for a week! OMG that is NEVER good! It makes me worse then usual. PLus once i get it again it takes a while to get back in my sytem n all. IDK Ive tried to talk to Jason abouteverything afew times…ok lots… but he desnt really want to talk & he says its cuz of the stress & that Ive changed too. Well I have changed but I have changed in response to his changes. He is less affectionate, less attentive, less interested it seems in me. He is always on the computer, he is sicks lots n wont go to the doc. Goes to sleep real early lots.. I worry sooo much abou him IDK :=( I wonder if he even wants me there anymore really. I want this more then anything but more then anything I wish for the man I fell in love with to come back. The man I still have saved voice mails & txt messages from. That used to call me his beautiful woman & cuddle up with me & tell me how much he loved That I KNEW how much he wanted me & wanted me here. Not the angry depressed always on the computer always, busy with something else, sick & tired man ….IDK I feel like its all my fault again like I said b4. What to do is it too late does he still love me the same way anymore . Is he btr off w/out me? Would he miss me? Does he still care or love me the same. Would he be happier w/out me or would he care if I were gone.. How do I know what to do? How do I make him happy again?

the flippin thing wont let me add to my flippin other blogg fliipin flip………..flip grrrnnn flip 3095-34w0tjigmfodkmgaopwreijng dvm
{S”DDSrfbncm v so i worry jason doesnt still feel the same about stuff…marriage the baby stuff idk we talked about it…when i was here the first time…then on the phone that sunday i went to get lance.i dont get it.has he changed his mind about me us what…then this thing about not adding me as a dependant all of a sudden when he wanted to n it would mean more money for us…wtf? doesnt he plan on keeping me around now? does he want me gone not love me anymore regret me coming…changed his mind? wish id go? or would move somewhere else at least what? well i cant move out so….i want my dogs here tho….i think jason resents me…me being here…i wish i had money to take us to the smokies cuz i do think it would help us to get away to gether…bk to where we were first together…away from everyone n everything…to the outdoors to be free…to reconnect…spend time alone together somewhere away from everything else just our place…jason could take pix we could be free…idk r & r for a bit.eh worth a try right? id give anything for the old jason n old us to be back…i love him more then anything n dont want to lose him ….i just dont know what to do or how to do it or how to stop myself for being stupid n bitchy anymore i feel out of control sometimes…..plz help me n us…

the almost anniversary…
Current mood: sad
Category: Blogging

so we STILL dont have internet…have to find it when n where we can…we had a LONG rough wk end of LOTS of talking with a lot of…well arguing n stuff….about the thigs that i mentioned were going on…moving, my pups, marriage, kids, us, etc. he feels i DONT see things from his point view ever n i REALLYbelieve i do try n do that. i KNOW he works a LOT & hard…that he has lots on his mind. work, me, my pups, his family (terry, his parents, sisters, others) his own health issues which i worry about A LOT that he wont do anything about…the fact he found out he will soon have to go out of town for anywhere from 2 or 3 days to a wk and me totally alone (as in i dont even have the pups here) and since my health isnt the best n i never know what may happen with my asthma, seizures, hearts stuff or anything else…and i also dont know anyone where we r n we arent really clsoe to anything like a real hospital or stuff…his sister anna is about 25 min away n doesnt drive r have a car. im kinda out away from stuff…i hate being alone anyway n also if any bad weather were to come up as in this is now hurricane season n we get LOTS of storms n stuff…idk…my phone doesnt get service all the time in the house either 4 some reason…idk? random huh? so….i have been having a rough time w/my asthma recently to n my blood pressure is up n my chest pains have been acting up. i went to my new regular doc friday…he is cool and he increased my dosage on some asthma meds…gave me new allergy meds n added some other asthma emergency meds cuz my breathing isnt real good…also did say my ulcer is bk n my b.p. is up…that my heart rate is also…that my stress level seems a bit high n i need to try to lower it…he is trying to find me a better new shrink to get me on new meds since that other one wasnt too good…n i still am not feeling good at all right now…very wobbly i guess? lol idk…just up n down…i hate being this way…sad then irritable..im not sure what to do i feel like everything is always my fault…then our 6 month g/f n b/f official annv was saturday…yeah big woop…we didnt do anything he said he doesnt celebrate that stuff…not til a yr anyways..i said but i do and it is important to me…i think right now it would be good for us to so something special together…yeah that didnt happen…i did make a nice dinner but..that was it…i tried to be xtra nice to n let him watch his fighting show all day n night…then today tried to be xtra nice n when he wa ssick so is ran out even when it was about to storm (im scraed of storms) n got him cola n a paper….then watched the race w/him n stuff…i even tried to dress cute n wore a skirt n stuff…lol oh well ok thats my ramble idk wtf im going on about really of the point im trying to make? just venting n whining? i love him so much tho…idk…i asked again did he want me here…does he want me to leave n he insists he wants me hear…meh./…ok have a good one….
*hugs*

ok sorry im a whiny bitch

Need to make a change/how do u know what its time ….
Current mood: stressed
Category: Blogging

i truley (cant spell) have had the worst wk end i have had since i have been here…ive had bad wk end real e bad ones…but this one, idk…i had a very bad time with my mouth surgury thursday…i had two asthma attacks in the office, a panick attack, almost passed out 2x’s….my heart rate got very high as did my blood pressure…my heart was very just out there…my mouth nubbing stuff wore off pt way thru the thing…it just wasall kinds off bad…so i was in bad shape and in lots of pain…they actually almost called jason but i asked them not to as he is jsut to busy at wrk n real prolly wouldnt have been able to come get me r anything anyways so…i had to stay there a while to chill out…then drive myself to get my antibiotics ( ialso had an infection from an abbsess) and pain pills, then finally drive home…BOUT oops about a 20 -25 min drive depending on what way i go n triffic…plus i had to drive very carefully….i was so wobbly n my heart stuff n being dizzy n kinda drugged n all..the regualr doc wanted to see me friday…but since i dont have anyone to drive me places n i was really dizzy friday n in lots of pain still i didnt go ….they think its my heart valve n also from stress n stuff…they added some new meds n increded one of my asthma meds n my thyroid meds…i am goiong to a new shrink tommorrow…hoping for help with the bi polar…its not good…but i dont think this is really all my fault…jason had a real bad wk with this new guy at wk…that a awful day friday…real awful…even had to wrk over 2 hrs late…thrn we had terry this wk end…jason was in the mood to be left alone…i was in the mood to be held by jason & he wasnt in that kinda mood, terry wanted to be played with (NOT THAT WAY!) well it was just wanting attention etc,etc wanted to do stuff all the time & some body to do it with him or to watch him,etc. TO be entertained or to go somewhere or IDK? I on the otherhand…as I had pre warned JASON 2 wks before since I had one other root canal in MI & it had not gone well…& THAT was one hat wasnt even with an abcess or infectiojn or w/any of the complicatins this one turned out to have…I was very sick, dizzy, in pain & wishing I had peace & quite & Jason take care of me… sounds selfish I KNOW I KNOW.dont i?I DO USUALLY take care of Jason n Terry ALL the time REALLY HONESTLY…USUALLY I DO all the housewife/mom type stuff tho..cook/clean/shop/way entertain whatever needs to be done. Drive etc…I even LIKE IT…Im sick that way haha I like being a domestic diva…but with bions, n feeling so dizzy & all…plus the having had the complicateibg sick n doc said i should take it easy til monday so…idk….iwas pretty good at laying low since i was sick til saturday night but by then then terry was real bored, i was a lil better n still sick tho…i want to spend some time w/jason…he just wanted to be alone…as in leaving me alone n terry w/me n he wanted to play games on the computer…a HUGE thing my ex hubby did that helped break up our marrige n jason knows this n its weird cuz jason doesnt usually play games really either…but……idk…he is beyoundhe said he wanted time alone n wanted to play games…i just was in a cranky mood so was he to we ought…the wk end sucked…eh…jason is tired of charleston…has been…only stay cuz his son is here..e mountains in KY…or anywhere really…had even talked about TM once…i of course would way rather be in any mounains then in S.C. i mean i was supposed to move to TN b4 i met jason so….the weather here is hard on me n my lungs n stuff…this isnt a lucky place 4 us for finding a home so far…and $$ wise itt he loves me..s very expensive…KY & TN are both much less $$… i just hope we can still work usy together. out while he works out his problems with himself with wrk & me being a bigger handlful maybe then he realized…he says he doesnt want me to leave & that all has nothing to do with it…but that things have to change for us to stay 2gether…well i know that…we never used to fight…but he says i dont understand or see things from his side…that i only see things from my side of consider myself…i thing he is very wrong..im always thianking him 4 lil things he does 4 me, like that he turns the car around 4 me in the drive cuz i cant back it out very well, when he gets me gas, etc. I get up w/him at 5:30 every morning n make him breakfast, pack him a lunch, have dinner 4 him when he gets home. I know he worries about his family in KY, here, I know his jobs makes him unhappy..Im always lettIing him know i love him, appriciate things he does 4 me..i always worry how he is feeling…i know he works too hard all the time…im 4ever telling him so…i always thank hi worry about him & how he is doing & h.i always see try to things from my side & his side…i see things from my side in that i know how much i am to handle but i also know i am going thru a lot to have moved so far away n made so many changes n given up all the money i had for school in TN i had n here i dont have any family or friends or know anybody..i only have jason…i had to get all new doctors, leave my pups which to me w/my anxiety was a HUGE thing…something he truly doesnt understand..that w/my s n stuff.. my aniexty…sokmetimes the only way i leave my house is cuz i have to walk the dog or go to the doctor…its not bad like lots of ppl but i have bad panic attacks b4 i go places n sometimes cancel plans or appt..so not having them here i hard..n when im home alone all day…that its hard n lonely…we r kinda far out from stuff, there isnt anyplace 4 me to meet ppl..we dont go anyplace or do much…when he gets home i finally have someone to talk to, now hes in a bad mood from wrk n stressed n wants to be alone…so i have nobody at all, not even him, idk… its just been the past few wks that got real bad…ok 5 or so?i know im to blame for being so pushy n clingy but i dont mean to be…i just wish he would act a lil like he used to then i would feel a lil like my old self…
e
idk?
grrr…jason was saying his “old self” got brought out friday on the job…i know that not good…he used to…way b4 i knew him have a temper…NOT that he would EVER use on a woman or child or ANYTHING like that…but just a mean streak with other guys n stuff & not a very “happy ” person I guess? i miss the jason that used to come home happy yo see me…calling me his beautiful woman…his baby….that would come up behind me when i was making dinner n put his arms around me….stuff like that…txt me lots. call me…now he so busy with the summer at wrk in the air conditioning bussiniess (cant spell) well super busy… n me missing my dogs, needing meds…i admit im not exactly my original happy good moods girl from b4 either but….ive tried SOOO hard thid past wk or so…idk….i know i cant expect an instant change but its so hard…i just will keep trying n hoping he will finally get in a btr mood n have btr days n all i suppose…sooner then later i hope?? n i know i have to be in btr moods too.. i DO KNOW im a bitch a LOT sometimes n for no good reason sometimes…but i feel someties like im invisible…like why am i even here…other times im fine..idk…i know we dont always have to do stuff together but…just wish we would do more stuff like we did b4…i know i whine a lot these days…i just miss my pups, its weird being alone down here, not knowing anyone or having stuff im used to…i love jason so much…i dont want to lose him or us….i just feel like im losing control of my self sometimes, my moods, that prolly makes no sense hm? ok im just rambling now so im gonna shut up…i just want to be a good girlfriuend to jason, a good whatever i am to terry…i dont want to dissapoint anyone or myself…grrr…lol i miss the internet too…i really wish i knew how to not mss up stuff i want so much…i seem to do that lots im good at it…ugh my chest n my mouth really hurt so im gna go lie down now…miss u all lots tho