This is my very first blog ever, anywhere! And who cares?? It ain't a big deal, right?

I'm sittin here in the home of someone that says he loves me yet acts as if he doesn't. WHEN HE DRINKS. Sadly, he drinks daily, to the point of drunk. AA? Please! He doesn't want to give up his only means of ignoring reality. He sees his reality as painful. Ok. I can deal with that. Who hasn't had a damned painful reality?

Knowing it has been painful, why not consider a different coping method? Something that doesn't destroy ones life in the process like alcohol does? Hmm. Old dogs??

Don't get me wrong, I drink to the point of drunkeness also. In fact, I am presently quite fucked up. But, I'd like to think that when I'm sober I am willing to face the shit parts of my life without denial (much) and violence.

See, really the only problem here is that I allow myself to give a shit about someone. If I don't, no worries, no problem! We've all been there, right? I do this only because it helps to distract me from my own situation. Yeah?

But, at the same time, I feel that I am in a more stable, comfortable place than I used to be. Is that because my daughter is in touch with me daily? She's the only good in my life, so it is quite possible.

 I am no longer willing to give my attention to someone that has his own issues with trust. He's accused me of shit I haven't done. Fuck that shit! I HAVE been faithful to him. It's HIS issue if he chooses not to see that reality.

So, when the divorce is filed (that last husband, not this man) I will have to be prepared asap to get out of his place. 3 weeks till I can file. File papers, finalize the shit, and get the fuck back to KY asap! I wanna be near my girl, and now it is finally possible.

I'm tired. Soul weary. I pray for a refreshment of strength to finish all I need to.