I was pretty tired and out of it this a.m. when I tried to explain hypersexuality, so, I think I should say a little more on the subject. It’s not constant, but it crops up a lot, and when it hits me, it’s like a throbbing, obsessive, need. I can physically feel it, sometimes. And, perhaps this is too much information, but I’ve never gotten much out of… tending to my own needs, in that regard. A lot of people who cope with bipolar deal with this symptom. Some have one nights stands, and chronically participate in "forbidden" sex, and some just have a whole lot of sex with their partners (that’s always been me, with the exception of the Quinn affair). But, it often becomes a potential relationship killer. Like I said, most guys I’ve been with ate it up. They thought it was awesome that I wanted to wake them up to sex, and have sex every night before bed. Charlie used to like my intensity as well, but the drugs and depression just shut him down sexually (several years ago). It’s been hard, like it would be hard for anyone, feeling unwanted, feeling unattractive, but needing sex more than most has made it much worse. But… as I said, I really think getting the drugs out of our systems will really help with that. And, I intend to get on the Rx meds I need, even though they scare me. Once we kick, I hope he’ll be willing to do the same.
I don’t know if the rape (an event explained in a previous blog) somehow affects this part of my psych problems. It did happen at a very formative age, and my mental health providers have always told me there’s definite linkage between that and my masochism. And, likely a connection to the hypersexuality, as well… maybe, the attack helps to explain why I don’t go as far as some people (sleeping w/ stranger, one night stands, ect) because, I need to feel like the person I’m with would never REALLY hurt me, no matter what game is being played. I was always something of a serial-monogamist when I in college. One committed relationship, and then another, and on and on… I’ve always needed some measure of trust and connection, just to get into it. I guess, I got off on emotional intimacy, almost as much as the physical stuff. Anyway, it had to have some effect.
Righ now, we’re doing our usual morning routine. Just got home from outpatient care. Now, we drink coffee, eat a couple doughnuts from our favorite bakery in evanston (when did I start eating such junk?), and watch old episodes of DS9. It’s not a bad way to pass the early afternoon. He doesn’t work today, so, he’ll probably take a nap soon. He likes to sleep. Depressed people often do, I guess. I think he likes hiding in his dreams. We both like to hide, I guess. But, we do it in very destructive ways, sometimes. DS9 is harmless escapism. The drug habit isn’t, and must be overcome, whatever that means. Whatever it takes… because, failure isn’t really an option at this point. I feel like I’ve squandered my margin for error. Any major mistake now could sink what little I have left, and I don’t know what to do right now, other than to fight to keep what I still have.
I do miss my best friend, but it doesn’t hurt as much as it did. I have moments, when I can’t take the fact that we’re not talking, and I can’t stand the thought of him not being in my life. anymore, but what can I do? I just gut through it, because there’s really nothing to be done. I love Charlie, and I wanmt to fix things with him. Chasing after my best friend to talk to me right now could ruin everything between me and Charlie and I’m not going to do that. And, Quinn’s chosen to keep his distance, so… it just seems like that’s that, for now. Under other circumstances, I’d just keep reaching out to him, b/c he’s my friend, but this is different. But, it still hurts like hell, and I can’t help hoping that at some point, somehow, we’ll be able to talk. God… I really do miss talking to him, so much. He was more like me than any of my other friends. He was my best friend, and I really enjoyed all the time we spent hanging out, but I wrecked that, by letting it become something else.
So… Charlie… so beautiful. I think about touching him, and talking to him, all the time. There are things that I don’t think he understands. (Like, I don’t know if he fully understands the whole hypersexual deal, or if he even wants to – I don’t think he wants to acknowledge that my behavior could be the product of illness, b/c he wants to be pissed at me, and that could interfere. And, of course, if my illness was involved, that would mean he had a hand in letting this situation develop, b/c he’s refused to help me get into a shrink for well over a year- just keeps saying he’ll do it, and doesn’t. And, because he gets high with me, and he knows that the drug exacerbates symptoms of mental illness.) But, I don’t think he’s ready to talk, and I know from experience that if I push him to talk before he’s ready, I could wind up driving him away. I know, I can’t let it go forever. At some point, I’ll have to dig my heels in, and say what’s what, but for now… there’s the kick to focus on. Things might seem a lot clearer, once that’s done. I’m hoping so, anyway. I love him so much. He’s so brilliant, and beautiful, and when we make each other laugh, I know we understand each other in the rarest of ways. We’re so deeply connected, in so many ways. But, we’re also extremely screwed up. I still think we can make it. I just may have to gut through a lot of unpleasantness to get anywhere worth going with him. I guess, time will tell.
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