Sorry I haven't been on or written a blog…been feeling down I guess.
I still feel a little down, even after decorating the house a bit. Maybe I should have gone to Bible Study yesterday. To be honest, I couldn't buckle down and get the assignment done. Every time I'd sit down to do it, I'd just lose the motivation. Someone from the college I left called…I really don't want to talk with anyone there because I feel…weak I guess. Why couldn't I finish out the semester? I at least should have done that but I felt I needed the break. Also the fact Roscoe needs me to help him go outside, makes me feel a little better about my decision.
What I struggle to understand is why could I get through my first semester–while my cousins called hospice for Dana–and I couldn't conquer my third semester with no big worries, other than my grades? I really need to focus on driving so I can gain some independence, so I can help my parents out, so I can help myself. Money is tight and I wish I could help. Either by working or helping run errands.
My thoughts keep coming back to Dana and those that were close with her. The weeks leading up to the Christmas after my grandma's passing are a blur. After all, I was in the hospital until the 14th of December, I missed meeting Dana for the first time, I missed Thanksgiving that year and I missed Black Friday. I can't help but feel selfish and wish I had a time machine so I could change things…I just want to correct the last four years. I want to go back to my younger self and give some pointers: go to this counselor now instead of finding her years down the road, cherish the time you have with Dana, Go to a school closer to home, DRIVE!!!
So many regrets…When I am in this slump, I find it hard to see the good and the positive…but I'll try. I never would have met a few people if I had not gone to the hospital, maybe I wouldn't have cherished that Christmas.
Well that phone call killed my attempt at finding the positive. I owe more money to Florida pre-paid for leaving school…that REALLY tanks my mood. I know I shouldn't let it but the guilt and the shame are overwhelming. I would do nearly anything to make money!! I am so ashamed that I can't climb this mountain, ie driving. Maybe calling it a mountain is the wrong word but that is what it feels like to me. I just want to feel better for the next few weeks…