The only reason that I am here writing to this blog is because I keeping posting to my friends on Facebook, friends on Twitter, and those who know about it my real blog at http://anthem2004.wordpress.com/. Every now and then at very long intervals someone will make a vague comment; but I feel like due to the almost total absence of feedback, no one cares one bit what I have to say. I am the oldest of 7 brothers and 1 sister. We all live all over the place and live our own lives with very little interaction. Almost all of us are on Facebook where we could interact, but alas, there is very little interaction. Last week, for the first time in many years I did have rather extensive (by our standards) interaction with my one sister. She even made a comment in my blog.
I figure that the reason for this apparent lack of interest, at least partially, is really a lack of interest. There is a nephew who posts rather frequently to Facebook but we have so very little in common that I have absolutely no interest in his posts and very seldom even read them, much less comment. This is most likely how others feel about me. I am told that I am intimidating in the sense that my siblings think of me as super intelligent and therefore would feel inadequate in commenting on what I post. The outstanding exception is the brother just younger than me. While we are closer to each other than our other siblings, he has always been fiercely competitive with me. It doesn't matter what I say, he will vehemently disagree. This inevitably results in a drawn out virtual argument that leaves me feeling exhausted and disgusted.
I would like to post something that is on my mind, and that I feel like is worth publishing on my real blog; but am afraid that my siblings will just think that I am showing off and therefore not take seriously what I say there. That really bothers me because I am quite serious about what I put there and actually put a lot of work into the posts that I make to that blog. I want it to be taken in the same spirit that it is produced. It's OK if you have extreme disagreement with what I write. Hell, no one knows as well as me just how uncertain I am of many of my views and conclusions that I write about. I welcome constructive comment. But, it never comes.
These comments should be going to my Friends (family) mostly on Facebook; but they wouldbe taken as a personal negative attack. So, I express them to strangers with no expectation of feedback that might help in some way; but to simply get what I am saying “off my chest”.
I have been divorced from my second wife since 1995. She had been cheating on me for close to a year. We had two pre-school children. When we divorced she disappeared with our two children. They are both out of college now and I still have not seen them since then. We has a daughter and a son. I have exchanged birthday greetings with my daughter a couple of times via Facebook but my son refuses to talk to me. There is no explanation why and I am left to my own imagination. I just figure that the kids simply do not remember me at all and thus don't feel like complicating their lives by allowing a relationship with me to be established.
When we were married I was a ham radio operator (Ham). That second wife and I are “Friends” on Facebook, but we have had virtually no interaction there over the time we have both been on Facebook. Last week she sent me a Facebook message letting me know that she had recently hot her Ham license and talked a little about things she especially recalled relating to me being a Ham when we were married. She especially talked about how little about it she knows and how much she has to learn. I was really delighted to hear from her; and she had introduced a safe topic which we could discuss. So I responded with a couple rather long messages containing answers to the questions she had asked and making suggestions about related things that she obviously would find helpful. I was expecting her to respond back in kind; but she has yet to do so. Again this just leaves me feeling empty and unwanted.
I am 66 years old, live in a retirement community because health problems make it prohibitive for me to live alone (severe seizures among other neurological problems). The vast majority of other residents who live here are old enough to be my parents and some almost old enough to be my grand parents. So, I spend my days watching TV/movies off the internet and reading using my Kindle. My oldest daughter, from a previous marriage, has moved a thousand miles away so I am alone here. I feel pathetically desperate for a friend or two but that has not proved possible since I've been here; they keep dying.
So, I am back here on Depression Tribe where I have found support and solace at times in the past, as I have Major Depression. I feel a bit better now, having vented although I realize that very likely no one who started reading this post has stayed with me to this point. That is OK. I think that next I will try chat on this site. That used to be rather active.
Till next time …