Okay, so that’s a pun – because really I’m more of an obsessive borderline. So anyway. I was walking through Regents Park just a bit ago, on my lunch break, PSB blaring through my iPod headphones, and a chain of thought suddenly reminded me of this silly Dalmatians calendar my old friend Maggie gave me for X-Mas when I was 13 – she was the worst present-giver. She was the one who had an obsession with Dalmatians, not me, it was just one of these random things she had in the ‘present cupboard’ at home where the family would buy random things and throw them in there and then, when they needed a gift for someone, they’d rummage through there for something, so it wouldn’t be personal at all, and we always hated gifts from her. Anyway, I still have it somewhere because it’s the most hilarious specimen of my obsessive-ness, because I think it started with just deciding to jot down a PSB quote for each day of the year, but then somehow this turned into a whole legend that would have to be written at the top of each new page, for things like ‘words that sound cute when Neil says them’ or ‘fabulous dance move from Chris’ or ‘song lyric for the day’ or things like that, I mean it really got out of hand by December!! And then I think of the day when a friend came over and watched me just sit there and dissemble this Rubik cube because the stickers were falling off it, it was so old, so I decided to just take them all off and then take coloured papers and write all over them Neil and Chris’ first, middle and last names, so I’d have six sides, and glue them all over this cube – or the time when I made dolls based on one of their videos, out of straws and salt and pepper packets and straight pins and napkins stolen (apart from the pins) from my local Dairy Queen – or the hand puppets I made during Musical Theatre class when I should have been doing some form of class work, I’m sure – or the paper heart medallion I made with their names on it, stuffed with crumpled paper and strung onto a paper-chain necklace – or the countless pictures I printed out and glued onto coloured posterboard and tacked onto my walls, surrounded by X-Mas lighs, until I had no room left on the walls and had to resort to taping them to the ceiling – or … I mean the list goes on and on. [br][br]The point is: I felt this rush of fantastic memories – I know everyone around me thought I was completely bonkers, but I also know I was like, the life of the party, so to speak. I know people loved being around me because I so um…’colourful’. And I still get spurts of it from time to time, but where did that go? [br][br] I mean, I know even then it was these happy times, intermixed with really horrible times, like, it wasn’t all ridiculous teenage obsessions, it was also a lot of long nights spent awake on my own, my blue light turned on so I wouldn’t be completely engulfed in darkness, headphones turned out loudly while I sat and cried my eyes out to those very same PSB songs that made me so ecstatically happy the other half the time. And it wasn’t just them, I mean it was other things too, but I’m currently in a PSB mode so that’s where the memories are springing from, and there are a heck of a lot of memories attached to them over the last 13 years of my life, because yeah, obsession…. [br][br]But I think, as I grew up, so much of that colour just got swallowed up by the darkness, the mania turned from joy to rage, and the depression just deepened and deepened. And then I started pulling out of it some years back, and I mean, I’m borderline, not depressive, so even in those darker times there were always light times, fun times, happy times. [br][br] It’s just that…yesterday I was talking to George about realising how hard it is for me to express real emotions, how it’s easier for me to intellectualise or make sarcastic jokes, than to be sincere – I have a very hard time with face-to-face sincerity – and he commented that he’d noticed that, but also that I tend to speak in a very expressionless way. Like my voice conveys no real emotion, I’ll speak in a rush of monotone. He said it’s not always, I’ll have bursts of emotion, and that it’s changing with time, that lately I’m far, far more emotive than ever before and he really likes it, but I used to be so unemotive in my voice – and I know what he means because I find I do it at work, and I always think, ‘Why did I speak that way?’ and it confuses people because I don’t know…I come off so dry and…yeah I know what’s going on in my head but I wonder what I come off like to outsiders, I must be so strange, I’m so locked inside my own brain, even when I try to think how I must seem to others it’s based on my own self-images, and it always turns out the truth is completely the opposite. I mean…no I don’t know what I mean here, but….[br][br]A thought I had at lunch was that, with all my inner emotional imbalance, etc., I feel like I had a far better adolescence than most people I knew…and I also think I had a far worse one – I had so much more fun than everyone put together, but then I was more miserable than them all, as well.  [br][br]I'm thinking to change my profile picture this weekend….