I've had like 5 baths in the last 2 days…I feel like I'm trying to fill an emptyness, and baths make me feel a bit better. I feel like there's nothing in my life, most of all no people… I don't know who I can call up to talk to…not even my boyfriend. And I probably shouldn't be with my boyfriend but I don't know what to do about that either!
If I don't have him there will be even less in my life, and I'll miss him and seeing his face. I don't know if I'm still with him (he hasn't been very good to me and cheated on me) because I love him and still want to see him happy again (which I do) or if I'm totally dependent on him (which I might be)… Another problem with leaving him is he talks about commiting SUICIDE very seriously whenever I almost leave. But he is manipulating, I just don't know if he's aware if he is manipulating. It's confusing because I know he's depressed too. And the person he's been for the last year or two isn't who he used to be…good boy gone bad I guess. But it's gotten worse, could it be worse to the point where he is only using me? I feel used often. But I feel loved sometimes.
I'll feel more empty without him, but being with him…makes me cry so often and I might be bringing him down too. But do I just keep the things that are bothering me bottled up because I'm afraid his feelings will be hurt if I say them? Maybe I should just leave but I'm scared he won't be ok and I'm scared to be even more alone. But I'm trying so hard for this guy and I don't know if he's trying as hard for me, so maybe I could put that energy and time into trying other things if I wasn't with him. And it makes me feel so empty thinking of leaving him. I'll miss the guy I knew throughout the first half of our relationship, and the guy I see glimpses of.But how do I make sure he is ok first if I decide to leave?! We used to love eachother well…
I've been confused about this for so long I needed to say it somewhere.