Written last night (I passed out, and posted it this a.m.):

I’m not as desperately upset as I was.  Still off, but mostly mad at myself for letting it affect me, so much that I would jack up my efforts.

Ace and I staightened things out tonight.  I was so hurt, and so jacked up inside.  I didn’t even want to tell him, how much, but someone alerted him to my blog, so, we talked.  I guess we both had our freak outs today.  I couldn’t handle losing his friendship at this point – he helps me so much. 

When we worked things out tonight, he asked me to promise him, again, that I wouldn’t use.  That had worked, before, but this time I couldn’t promise.  I told him I wasn’t strong enough to do that.  I was too shaky, and ill at ease.  But, what I couldn’t bring myself to admit, even though I knew I’d have to get around to telling him, but the conversation had gotten so right – I didn’t want to tell him something that I knew would trash that feeling.  Earlier, after I got so upset, I scored.  So, I had the stuff here, already, by the time I talked to him – I felt like hell, and I was so worried and scared (of losing Ace’s friendship, of trying to get through this alone, again – of everything), that I just fucked it all up. When we talked the last time, I really thought I might be able to turn back.  But…  I guess, I’m just not that tough.

The sh*t sat here for hours.  Once it was there, I knew that I was probably [email protected]  I even tried to leave it be, knowing it was here.  While I was talking to Ace, I tried to tell myself that I wouldn’t, but the thing was, I’d made up my mind earlier, that I was going to get high (when things were ugly), and I was trying to get that out of my head.  But, I just couldn’t. 

Now,  I pretty much hate myself.  I didn’t even dig doing it, at all (dead serious) – I just felt (and feel) like slashing the shit out of my arms, or something, b/c I can’t stand myself, right now.  But, I probably won’t do that.  I haven’t given up on myself, completely.  It’s not like this knocks me back to square one (in terms of physical progress) – I shouldn’t lose all the ground I’ve gained.  This withdrawal bit is just gonna drag on a little longer than it would have, but not much longer.  I should be okay.  I just need to pull myself together, take plenty of compensatory meds, and remember how awful I feel, right now, about what I did to myself last night.  I hate that I let Ace down.  He’ll probably read this before we talk, again.  I hope he can forgive me for letting him down. 

Today’s gonna be better.  No emotional tale spins…   no [email protected] up…  that’s the plan, anyway.  I feel like I’ve wandered off the path, and I’m really hoping I can find my way back.  I will.  I have to.  I hated what I did last night – not even a fleeting good feeling came out of it, just self-loathing.  I have to rememeber that it won’t be any good, if I do.  And, I have to promise Ace that I won’t do it, straight away.  That’s my best shot.  That gives me something to cling to when I give up on myself.  Which ususally happens at least a couple times a day.  In fact, it was happening yesterday, and some other painful shit cropped up in the worst of places, and I lost it.  It’s not an excuse, and it’s definitely no one else’s fault (just mine), but that is how the spiral kicked off.  But, not today… 

today’s gonna be better.

I still have the same people to hold onto, and lean on, and I still have the same reasons to do this.  Yesterday was just a messed up day.  I won’t let myself slide back down, again.  I can’t. 

But, God, do I hate myself, right now.  I know if I really fall down hard, I won’t get back up, again.  Not this time…


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