I've never fully experienced this before but I know it's here now. I'm aware I'm using this site as an outlet for complaints but honestly there's no one in my life I want to bother with stuff either because they're too self centred to care or because they have their own major issues and they can't even cope with their own problems. I know my life is difficult just now but the odd thing is the minute I get a grasp on all the things I have to do, when I feel like I'm gettin somewhere my body reacts with total lack of interest after wards. For example, I just handed in an assignment and I've began drafting my dissertation properly, but my body is now tired and lifeless and I just want to cry for hours. I also get very socially anxious lately & I don't often experience that… I hate the thought of bumping into someone and having to talk to them or even have them look at me because I won't know what they're thinking. Last night I went to bed at 11 and I didn't sleep at all I was still awake by 9 o'clock in the morning.. It wasn't that I was even worrying or thinking I just felt awake. It obviously could be the cause of my upset today but this awful cloud like feeling keeps coming over me and making me feel very unable to function. I've said it many times but my biggest issue with this illness is that it always attacks me when I need my strength the most. When I've got lots to do & things to focus on my body will give up on me. I don't find it fair at all and I don't think anything will ever fix it, it's a problem in my brain.. Something I've always had & I just don't see how medication or behavioural therapy will truly ever make it stop. I think all of us who need this site are proof of that… But see this is such a negative thought process right here & that's the way my brain is choosing to see everything right now. Come tomorrow I might not think this way, but it's adding an aspect of more exhaustion to my days. One thing is for sure, this last year of Uni is teaching me a heck of a lot about myself and how I can and can't cope. I'm really not as strong as I would like to be. If I had the choice I'd sleep all day every day & I know that that's the wrong way to think about anything. I want to be the go getter who eats well and exercises and gets stuff done but I just don't have it in me. I feel crippled by my worries & perhaps I'm just making excuses but this is how I feel. Sometimes I jus feel trapped by my emotions. One example – I'm getting so angry about things I never usual do. I nearly broke down in a state because my boyfriend said he had to work and couldn't see me – another area of my life that's full of constant fear, he's broke my trust and now everything I feel is suspicious 🙁 that's not me, I'm not that person I never have been. I honestly want nothing more than to go to sleep and forget everything. It all concerns me how I feel and I know that depression can go hand in hand with anxiety but I'm not certain if I have it or if I'm just having a bad time and it's normal. I've read a few places that the medicines I'm on – propanolol and stemetil can make you feel down and tired etc so there's a chance it's them or maybe I am just malfunctioning… The only good thing about phases like this is you know at some point they'll ease off – when is a different story though.

1 Comment
  1. phil0415 9 years ago

    How long have u been on ur Meds for? And how long ave u been seeing a behavioural therapist for?

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