i feel sometimes that my depression has not really changed, i have just changed. i mask it better, with sarcasm and thinly veiled anger. and i know also some truths about certain people that help me put their mean actions in perspective. so it does not get to me the way it did last year, depression i mean. i feel depressed….isolated and alone, hopeless of finding a connection, hopeless of people……i have reached a stage where my mood plateuas into this rut of exsistance where i am dragging myself through life, grimacing and making a smile for onlookers.
i think this makes people think that im sooo much better, but a lot of the time im not, ive just given up hope, i have just started to rely on thinking the worst of things and people as a safety mechanism.
sunday, as a whole was not bad, got up at noon(ok that was bad, hate sleeping in), put on an outfit that makes me feel powerful, walked to starbucks and studied for a few hours, then went to the library and printed out things….in an effort to get things done and by doing so relieve some stress. it definately is turning into spring, and it feels like coming out of hibernation. the air is so much warmer, days are brighter and longer. i am thankful. when i went outside for a smoke, i saw a guy friend and this girl that has been bullying me walking up….i hid, and i felt ashamed and lonely and angry, because this girl is so awful to me for no reason, and this guy friend, he's gay and totally fem. without all the cattyness….he still….is with her, i feel like they all enable her by not putting a stop to her picking on me. him, them, everyone, i feel like they just gloss over all the pain and isolation i feel because of them and because this girl bullies me. it makes me mad and sad….even though…i don't even want to be friends with these ppl anyway, they have done so many awful things to me….it still hurts.
a "friend's" bday is next month and someone texted me asking about the present the clique i was/am in is buying for her. we all chip in and get something nice. but i have not seen any of them in two weeks, for some people it has been over a month. this is because despite once being a close friend to these girls, i have stopped contacting them to hang out. because its always me asking, they never talk to me if i dont initiate it. they never think of me, although they know that since they replaced me in the apartment they are now living it, i have to live by myself. after so many last straws, i am trying…. again to put some distance between us, because they never think of me, i am just a casualty to their needs/wants…..and they always end up making me feel awful. anyway, this girls birthday is in march, and i dont want to chip in for her present, ive spent well over 100 dollars on this clique for birthday presents and drinks at the bar for their 21st…..i dont want to contribute, even this tiny sum, maybe 15 dollars…to people who never think of me. this girl, the birthday girl, she has a very limited empathy for other people, and no empathy for me. i am inconsiquential to her, she left me out of housing for next year when she could have very easily included me…she says we are close…i was her roommate freshman year….i dont care, she doesnt care about me and the principle of spending money on her makes me sick. some nights, i think of her and all those girls, and i cut myself with a broken glass i keep under my bed. i am so petty not wanting to pay for this girl's birthday….but all these girs….i have paid for their birthdays, but since mine is in the summer, they have never gotten anything for me…even more petty of me, but it just all comes together to rub me the wrong way. i thinly veil my hate of these people, why should i spend money on them? they know i am all alone, and they are content to suit their own needs and forget about me….which is a human instinct, but i do not have to like it. and i do not have to spend money on this bitch. i feel like i just might have to though…something in my conscience…i don't know. i still hate them all.