Today I couldnt get up. Seriously could not. I wanted to. I knew I should. The dog needed to go out, the kids needed help, I needed to move go to the restroom. I could not get up.

The kids ended up helping each other get cereal, the poor dog peed on the floor near the door and I didnt get up. Not until 1130am. Thankfully I made it to the restroom without an accident lol. Wish I knew what the heck was going on with me the last 2-3 weeks. Nothing about me in the last 2-3 weeks is like me at all. The depression is darker and deeper…… its like all the good things about me are smaller and all the bad things are bigger. wth

On the title of this blog. When I went in to get the depression meds I found that I had gained nearly 25 lbs since the first of the year. Ugh. I know that prozac mostly works on motivation and the rest (the turning back the dark clouds) is up to me after the motivation starts to come back. Thats the theory anyway. So I have started to work towards moving and hopefully that will take some of this weight off. Today I walked with the kids and dog in our new neighborhood. Its a start. I'm going to aim for doing something everyday. Even if its just doing the one flight of stairs in our house a time or two. Maybe it will help me heal and help me get rid of this weight.

I'm feeling very lonely right now. I've never been one to have many friends but I have had one good, close friend and one semi-close friend. The close one used to have depression but has recovered. She tells me she wants me to tell her what is going on inside me, but 90% of the time if I do or start to she doesnt really want to hear it or gets upset with me. It seems that no matter what I do its the wrong thing recently (last 6 months). I've really needed a friend in the last year but especially the last 2-3 weeks. She is stressed at work but even with all I've been dealing with I have been there for her most days. I guess that I am just not worth enough to her to be there for me once in a while?

I feel very sad and lonely about this. I know that I cant really continue with this friendship (at least not atm) because it hurts me so bad right now and I truly believe that if you cant be there for someones bad times you dont deserve to be there for the good times. I think what saddens me most is that I've given up on friendships for the most part. I can feel it. I can feel that this last falling apart……I've lost hope that I am someone who can have friends. Yes I will probably have a few aquiantances that I text or something sometimes. But, have a friend who actually knows me better than the cashier at the grocery store? I dont think so. It just never works out for me. Saddens me quite a bit.

1 Comment
  1. Aswa 12 years ago

    So sorry to hear that you are struggling at the moment Steph

    I have been where you are now (and am still struggling) with the weight issue. I am on prozac too (amongst other things) and have recently had my dose doubled – and since then I have found myself clinging to my bed… just don't wanna get out and at the moment I am half up, sitting in my bathrobe… but even that is a step forward from sleeping in my clothes.

    In my experience exercise and just moving around a little more each day can slowly pull you out of the slump with the added bonus of increased fitness and  eventually weight loss. This is really hard to do when you are depressed but it is something you are already doing all by yourself. Well done! Did you feel better after your walk around your new neighbourhood with the kids and dog?

    Keep us informed of how you go each day. You are part of the tribe and we care for you and are here to listen to you talk about the good times and the bad and everything in between. You are doing your best admist difficult circumstances and no-one can ask for more than that. Take care, Aswa.

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