Well it's been a while since I've been on here.  Life is crazy after our natural disaster and softball for the little one.  I started back to work, 5 hours a week but it's better then nothing. Just answering phones and filing things.  I feel like my nursing license is being wasted but one problem at a time. 

I began therapy 2 weeks ago on my own request.  I had a complete break down and wanted to hurt myself and decided it's time to do this.  My assessment went really well and I love my therapist.  We connect on a lot of levels and understands what I'm going through.  I feel like I can trust her completely and that's not an easy task for me.  Unfortuantly my worst fears have come to light and have now been diagnosed with having schizophrenia.  I know my mother has it, have tried for years to get her to get some help but she never would.  My therapist is looking into what type of personality disorder(s) she thinks I may have.  I heard the same things as a child, a teen and now as an adult but schizophrenia was never diagnosable most likely because I've lied about my symptoms.   I have one more shift at work next week but I am being pulled off of my one day a week until my boss who is also my CNP speaks with her and gives the ok for me to work.  Between the physical problems, now the mental I feel hung out to dry, naked, exposed…  This is really hard to swallow but I will put on my brave face and carry on. 

I feel like maybe if my mother would have gotten help then maybe she wouldn't have treated me so poorly and put me in horrible living conditions.  Maybe I could have been tested earlier, gotten more help for myself as a child and not be where I am today.  Being angry doesn't do me any good so just trying to breathe through this, see where the pieces fall and pray I land on my feet.  I just hope I don't hurt my daughter like my mother did to me but my goal has been to be the exact opposite of her when it comes to my daughter.  A life with out hugs and affection, constant yelling and fighting, hitting and destruction isn't a life for anyone especially an innocent child.  My daughter is 11 and I still tuck her in at night.  Maybe I'm going over board but not having your mothers love kills you slowly.  Thanks for reading… Any advice is so welcomed.  Still awaiting an answer from social security but now they have my records from the Cleveland Clinic, pain specialist and now from my therapist.  I guess I have comfort in knowing the psysical problems aren't related to the mental.