Its 2:00 a.m. and mom's still up so I can't sleep because the tv's blaring and all I want right now is some peace and quite. I miss the quite and peace of the mts of NC, I would be out sitting beside candles, torches and a roaring bonfire swinging in a hammock,laughfing possible having a few drinks. I can't move past my memories because i'm trapped with no way to get my life up and running. I'm having the urge to walk out into the moonlight and hitch hike out of here to somewhere I can let go of all my anguish, my fears, my grief for the child I miss, for my lost life. I feel like I might fly apart into shreds, I'm so trapped without a car, money, a way to go. I suppose the only way out is the unhealthy way it's been 8 months taking care of everyone then 1 yr. and 5 months without anything changing for me, it's along time to wait for the simplests of things, help, electricity, if it weren't for my mom I wouldn't even have access to the computer, of a way to cook, or a roof over my head. I really don't see any change coming my way, I'm trapped, stuck, desperate, I play the yo-yo game of being strong

and I'm not giving up, and I haven't but I can't see what all the fuss is about, the struggle, the trying, where I'm at I have no past except the grief of my delima, no future except the challenges to over come what lies ahead which is to try to survive on nothing, no income, no medical care, no savings, I literally have nothing, I'm on foodstamps, so I eat but this month we're already running out of food,toliet paper and other things we need. Dam there comes the tears again. I live in humilation, I have no quality of life, I'm dragging my poor mother who's 71 yrs. old into hell, putting alot of stress on her, I can't help my self or anyone else, I am useless. If I had the oppuryunity I would gladly grab any way to get out of this mess, but it eludes me. maybe I should quit fighting so hard, stand still and let whatever maybe, be. I can't sleep so I think I'll take something and hopefully sleep, maybe some tylenol if i even have any, shit ! I couldn't even kill myself if I wanted to, lol.


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