Its getting to that point again. The point where everything feels… pointless. I think about wanting to draw a picture, and then think, well I suck at drawing anyway so why bother. I think about wanting to go for a walk on the beach, and then think, well I’ll still be tired and fat afterwards, so just stay home. I’m starting to oversleep, overeat, let my room get disastrous, become dehydrated, and unhygienic. I’m lonely but can’t feel a connection with anyone. I left my boyfriend because of my absence of feelings and my mistreatment towards him. I don’t miss him because I knew it was best. But i’m alone now.
I don’t know what to do during times like this. I can’t talk to anyone. I have no friends. Nothing I can think of will make me feel any better. So I just stay sitting in my bed, in this dark room.
Many a times I have this feeling too.. life is pointless.. searching hard to find something to do.. anything.. wondering what I should do.. what I can do.. yet having no interest in anything..
But I guess it is ok.. to have this feeling.. just sit with it.. then at some point when you feel like doing something, just do it, do not nullify it.. even if it is pointless.. I sometimes think that life is meaningless, but like games, we just have to play it as if it matters… draw as if it is very important even if you cannot draw.. walk even if you will be tired and fat afterwards… because your emotions will change when you do it seriously. Allow your mood to change.. Like games, if you played it seriously, it becomes more fun.. actually what meaning is that catching? or chasing one another.. And we feel differently.. Yeah, just bluff yourself and have a change of mood for that minute? A minute of different mood, better or worse is good enough..