Lift the needle. Place it down. Let the broken record play.
Like everyone else that feels this way, I feel like I’m alone. I know that’s an oxymoron. I know I’m not alone. I know how I should feel. I know it won’t be easy. But every breath is pain. It doesn’t go away. The pills don’t work. They just numb my mind but the depression still wins each fight.
For a while I had someone to talk to, someone who understood and still understands. But now I feel like I have no one to talk to. He’s happier now and he doesn’t deserve to be burdened with my thoughts. I know I can still talk to him if I really need to, but I don’t want to expose him to my sadness. And so now I’m back to pretending everything is fine in my life and struggle to crack a smile when their accusing eyes pierce into my soul. Everything in my life is changing and I feel like I’ve lost control of myself. As hard as I try it just seems to get worse. I know things will work out in the long run but it’s not so easy telling myself this when all I see is my life crumbling. I’ll always be alone.
More people know about my disease than I wanted. I felt betrayed when he ridiculed me for “failing” in front of his ex. I felt misunderstood when he assumed what I was thinking or feeling. I felt betrayed that she knew about my depression but not about his, and that he seemed so cocky telling me what to do and how I’m failing, like he’s never been through this. Was it to impress her? Was it to look strong? No, I know it was to help. So I’m not mad. I was going to be fine but he pushed me into a crisis that night. He was the cause. But not the blame. He doesn’t need to apologize because it’s fine. I never felt angry at him, never felt any negativity towards anyone but myself for being weak. For allowing my emotions to show through. I have to keep it all inside again. I have to struggle to keep it there until I explode when I get home to my private room. Hide my soul from the world and fake my happiness.
What would I have him do if he were me in this exact same situation? Definitely not give up. Definitely not keep it inside. Definitely not feel this way. Maybe I’m a coward. A hypocrite. A loser. All I know is I’m not happy unless I’m alone. But when I’m alone, I’m not happy. And the record continues to skip.
I appreciate everything my friend’s done for me, I really do. But even the most caring people can get sick and tired of hearing about someone’s troubles. It brings them down and no one deserves to be brought down when they’re feeling good. At a recent party I sensed his frustration that I was depressed but he was excited. I wanted him to not worry how I was feeling and just do what he wanted, but I think he felt bad if he did that. He shouldn’t. He should be happy. But I kill the mood. And so I walk alone.
I joined this site because my friend told me about it. I don’t know if it’ll help or not. But I’ll blog every so often and maybe it will. I wanted to post a blog for the past few days but I’ve had no internet because we’re all moving and my roommates cut it off to transfer it to their new place. So I’m leaching off a weak signal I’m picking up from a neighbor, but it only works occasionally.
I wanted my first blog to be a happy one and include the poem I wrote while in the hospital. But I can’t find it – it’s the only paper missing from my stay there. Awesome. It was a happier one than the one I’m posting today, because for a while things did seem to be better. If I ever find it, I’ll post it maybe. But things just seem awkward now, and I feel like I’m destroying something beautiful like all the times before. It’s all my fault, I can see that now. It’s me. No one else. That’s why I need to be alone. Isolate myself from the world outside. Escape into my own mind and eventually drown there. I hate this. I should take my meds but I don’t even know why, so I skipped them today. I’ll still take them after I post this. If only they would numb the pain in my chest and stomach and not just my brain. I don’t want to give up but I am losing the will. He’ll lose all respect for me and I’ll probably lose the best friend I’ve ever had. He’ll probably give up on me, and rightfully so if I end up giving up on myself. I’m weak. And I’m sorry.
But I’ll hide it. And I’ll be “okay” as far as anyone is concerned.
I know there’s a chance he’ll read this, but I don’t want him to. It’s not why I wrote it, I just want to get it out, if only to a digital entity. I don’t want to worry him. I don’t want to be a burden. I don’t want him to know I’ll be faking my happy emotions when I’m “happy”. Sometimes I won’t be faking it and he’ll think I am. It’ll suck because there will always be doubt if I’m happy or faking it. So just assume I’m telling the truth, just assume I really am happy. Pretend like I pretend. You deserve to be happy. For now, the big ME is on vacation.
EVERY BREATH IS PAIN
Scared of losing everything my mind begins to ponder
If I made the right mistakes, or simply fell asunder
I know you cared but now you seem to tire of my troubles
Ironic that you’ve played both roles but seem to favor others
Assuming that you know me well your words turn into anger
Guide me on a different path than where I would have lingered
You told me that it won’t be easy but now you’re mad it’s not
So every time you ask my mood I feel like I am caught
In a battle where my mind is torn and contradicting
Faking that my life is fine but still the bomb is ticking
So now I hold it all inside like years of déjà vu
Crying in a private room, I’ll keep it all from you
You’re happy like the other ones and I know that it’s not fair
To worry you with all my burdens, they’re not for me to share
Drug my mind with misery, these pills they just aren’t working
They numb my brain from everything but still my heart is hurting
I did it all, the things you asked, and thought I would be better
But I have failed and now I’m scared I’ve lost my final feather
And so I fall from high above to never fly again
You’ll carry on like all the rest who left me to my sin
Sacrificing everything I’ll isolate my spirit
Never letting anyone get close enough to hear it
I’ll suffer silently and say that I’m cured from this illness
I’ll sever every string attached, abandon all my friendships
I always feared I’d be alone, and now I know for sure
You’ll always understand the pain ‘cause where I am you were
But if I drag you down with me I’ll only do you harm
I’ll still be here and you right there but still we’ll stand apart
So get what you deserve and I will stay behind and crumble
I wish that I was strong enough but my fears cause me to stumble
As the broken record spins, I fear I’ll never grow
You’ve taught me well but now I know that I must let it go