Oh my goodness… Holidays this year have been the most high social anxiety I have ever experienced, & yet it turned into several happy memory making moments with my close family & one of my closest friends. My family & I celebrate Christmas.

Some of this I mentioned in my previous blog post. Sunday my social anxiety was trigged by a comment one of my sister in-law’s made to me about how I planned Christmas gift giving this year, which normally my social anxiety is majority of the time low, but for whatever reason I’ve been extra stressed about social situations. For the rest of my short work week I felt on & off again tightness in my chest, hard to breathe, fidgeting & talking fast. Second guessing what I say, think, or what I want to say but don’t say it. How I interact with customers & my co-workers stressing me out. Just several different factors kept me freaked out, especially on Wednesday.

I’ve never experienced panic attacks before… Did I have on & off again panic attacks? I’ve never experienced tightness in my chest… Like literally around my heart is where I felt it. Night before Christmas Eve I felt anxious. I feel so grateful & blessed to have my amazing husband & our dog. They know exactly how to comfort me & be there for me when my anxiety & depression get extremely high. Christmas Eve we went to his dad’s side of the family for their Christmas lunch & then my parents for Christmas supper. Both festivities we’re really fun! Caught up with relatives I haven’t seen in a while & played with my younger cousins, but I still felt a little anxious for Christmas Day.

Probably stress from work & holidays, & alcohol didn’t help, but Christmas Eve night as we’re laying in bed I get a message from my nephew about how I wrote his old name on the Christmas card we sent his family. As I’m reading the message my husband starts reading a Facebook status from the same nephew venting about how he’s been out for a while & still is mis-named, etc. I started crying because obviously idenity is important to every person & with my job I’ve assisted people transitioning with their ID’s, so a mix of feeling guilt & stresses lead me into a panic attack.

Part of me still feels guilty… Not only because of my nephew, but huge guilt of sobbing laying in bed while my husband held me & I couldn’t calm down… I guess I don’t feel super anxious like before, but still feel somewhat defeated… My husband supports me so much emotionally. What am I going to be like when my husband needs emotional support? I guess a different thought for a different blog post.

Christmas day morning I overslept & felt like a chicken with my head cut off. Running around cleaning, making Christmas themed punches, setting tables, etc. Social anxiety wasn’t as bad as the previous night, but still there. One of my sister in-laws got into a pretty bad arguement with my brother in-law, so she ended up not coming & kept her kids with her. Both of my brother in-laws came with three of my nieces & one nephew, my sister in-law & her family, sister in-law’s step mom, mother & father in-law came too.

It was such a fun time with everyone! What could’ve started as a very stressful, which I was a little anxious & kind of showed. Once we started eating, present games, played hide & seek & card games it turned into a great Christmas! For whatever reason at the end my brother in-laws, mother in-law, & the sister in-law who didn’t come on the phone fighting in our front yard? Honestly I don’t know exactly what about because I was helping my niece & nephew get their shoes & jackets on inside, so I missed it… Which I’m very happy I did miss, lol. Later on in the night one of my closest friends came over & we ended up drinking & pulling an all nighter. Regretted it when I woke up the next afternoon, but it was a really good time! 🙂

After over a month with no internet at our new house & with COVID my therapist still can’t do in person appointments. I finally made myself a zoom therapy appointment! I’ve done a couple phone appointments, but it’s not the same & wasn’t a full hour since I was on lunch break at work. Starting tomorrow I start my short term mental health goals & getting into my good habits again with taking notes at therapy & journaling. Also hopeful thetribe wellness community website will help with staying calm & positive 🙂

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