it has been awhile since I have written a blog but I just feel like I need to get some things out. I don't know where to start. a week and a half ago I had a major manic attack that lasted for hours and involved crying. Ever since then I have been crying all the time…I just want to stay in bed. Then my birthday was 2 days ago. My sister and her kids (adults) were supposed to take me out to dinner. They cancelled…I was devistated. But I was not surprised. My oard gamefriend came over to spend a little time with her but when I wanted to play cards and she wanted to play a board gaams. She left rather abruptly. I should also add that I started a new med and its making me tired and she did not like that either. I feel that she is very judgemental and not open minded by my disease. She just expects me to be better…to be my old self…and she is not alone. According to her and another friend they think I am rediculous and should just be my old self. Don't you think that if I could I would. I feel like my friends think they are better than me. That they are more important to ma than I am to them. I am tired of being shunned and overlooked because I am sick. I can't even talk to them when I am doing badly. They just do not want to hear it. it makes for a very lonely existence. my suicidal ideation is through the roof right now. I would like nothing more than to just not exist. I sincerely doubt that things will ever get better…maybe I need to move away again. someone where no one knows me.