So I did as the psychiatrist told me to do… I spoke with my ex BF from 11 years ago who was with me and went through a lot of the abuse with me… He replied to my email and wow.  He is still hurting to but doesn't have any bad feelings towards me over everything that happened.  To know he still loves me (he has offered in the past to pay for me to get a divorce, for him to divorce his wife ect) after all this time has me confused..  I am hoping he can have closure and sent him a "good bye email" but left the door open for him to reply and still be my friend.  I'm not sure if that's right or wrong… I still love him, I hurt for him.  I think after 11 years this love and pain will never completely go away.  I just wish I could give him a hug.. or help him get some help…  How do you make love die??  Is it possible?  I have never cheated on my husband, never even considered it, just an fyi! 

Sooo manic.. Enjoying the energy tho..  My husband isn't very understanding about all of this… wasn't happy I joined this site so I told him I just peeked… Yup I fibbed     I hate fibbing.. lieing.. but I must do what is best for ME!   I let the hubby know I was supposed to talk to the ex BF and he really didn't give a hoot.. He doesn't seem to give a hoot about anything!  So I drove to his job, parked out back and called him on my cell.. I asked if he could come out back and give me a kiss.. he seemed semi annoyed but came out..  Not sure how our relationship is going to hold up through all of this… If he can't understand, accept and love me for who I really am then.. he deserves to be happy just as I do… Ugh.. complications!  I may go re-do my peek a boo highlights hot pink again… It angers him BUT he talks to me 🙂  

I will get thru this day!!