I really miss how it was before.

I thought I hated it, but god, what I would do to go back.

I miss walking in the door, hearing a soap opera on the tv and her messing around in the kitchen.

I miss Baxter running to greet me.

I miss the oddly comforting perfume of the house; cigarette smoke, air freshener, and an unidentifiable scent on top of all that, that instantly made you feel at home.

I stupidly miss the sound that the stairs made when you walked on them.

I miss the cozy layout of the townhouse, all corners and turns.

I miss how my room felt, how it was the PERFECT image of myself.

Purple walls, furry brown blanket, pictures crowding the walls, my bed stuffed with pillows, my tiny tv on a crappy old desk with my box of VHS tapes underneath, my army boot locker, my ancient vanity table, the purple spray-painted blinds, and her artwork placed here and there.

I miss how the minute I walked into that small room, I felt more comfortable than anywhere else.

I miss hearing the tv on in her room just a few feet away.

I miss how her room was, too, with the plain beige walls, brown duvet, clothes and suitcases scattered around.

I miss the livingroom, the old fabric couch, Baxter and Luna sprawled on either side, their "Kitty Kingdom" (a bunch of scratch posts and boxes clustered together) under the window, the old china cabinet, the matching buffet holding all of her paperwork, purses, and a few cosmetics.

I miss the tiny kitchen; the dim lighting, the constant faint smell of tomato sauce, even the way the fridge hummed.

All of it was so comforting, so welcoming. So perfect.

What completed it though, was her.

I really miss her with an incredible strength.

I miss sitting in my room and hearing her laugh downstairs.

I miss her calling me downstairs to help her with something.

I miss how she always wore the same thing – pj shorts or pants and a tattered grey baggy t-shirt, with her hair pulled back under a baseball cap.

I miss her voice, the way she smelled, her smile.

I'll even go so far as to say that I miss her getting upset with me for not doing something.

I miss that entire life that I don't have anymore. That I'll never have again.

All of it, every small detail, came together to make absolute comfort and happiness.

I would do anything to relive it all again, to feel the way she hugged me.

But,,, The best I can do is remember…


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