So, after stressing all night on whether or not i should talk to my grandpa (who i havent talked to in two years, and before that…who knows.) anaway, my mom finally called me back after she was supposed to talk to him. she chickend out, and i cant blame her for that, but then she told me the worst news i could possibly imagine.

My ex-step dad, the father of my brother, is now moving to colorado after he lost his job. He's been talking about it for months, but he hasnt mentioned it to me. My mom says that he is sending his things down there now. I was so upset and then she told me that its not like i ever see my brother anaway. and shes right. My friends keep saying that its not my fault but it totally is. i could have called him more, i could have asked for him to come over more, but i didnt, because i was busy with school, or had plans with friends, but apparently i couldnt take two minutes to talk to him. Im stupid. theres not really another way to put it. My mom said that if i ever want to see him, i also have to start talking to my Grandma, because my mom is going to stay with her whenever she comes to visit. my mom also had plans to move back home, but i guess thats over with… My entire life, ive been told nothing but awful things about my mom's family. They told me that if i ever saw one of them, to run screaming fire. We had a restraining order agianst them, and my mom told me awful things that she did when she was growing up. but somehow none of that matters. My mom said "they are youre blood and family, and they love you, and would never hurt you" well its a little late for that. She told me that blood is all that matters, but if that were true, then i consider my step mom more of a mom to me than her.

All my life, all ive ever wanted was to be better than my family, to never do this to my kids. but according to my mom its already to late. every step ive taken to stay away from being like them has only brought me closer to them. My mom stopped talking to her family, and tried to reconnect with her dad around my age, and she made every stupid decision that i did. She even told me that one day id be having the same talk with my daughter. I screamed and told her no, but i know its true. I always talk about how screwed up my family is, but im no better. In class im even doing a report on how alcholism effected my life, and i talk awful about my mom and i have no right. Ive made mistakes just like her. so now i dont know what to do. My stepmom told me its a bad idea to talk to my grandma, but i dont know anymore. i think im going to go to my counsler tomorrow at school, because evey day this weekend ive cried about something, and i dont want to break down in class. My next real counsler meeting isnt until the 20th, and theres no way to make it sooner. Life has really been sucking latly, and i keep on waiting for it to get better, and i even told myself, how much worse can it get? Well, apparently alot worse…