MOOD: HURT….why is that not a mood to choose from?

I have honored my marriage vows for almost 26 years in every way. I take them very seriously. Starting about the year 1999, my husband became verbally and physically abusive and an alcoholic, a very MEAN alcoholic. At first it was the kids to get it and I would intervene. Then he started listening to the bad rap, dissing women, men are boss, you know the type. Then the most kind hearted man I ever met and married disappeared and has never returned. He has been sober for 5+ years. But he still rips me to shreds every day.

He just lost his job of 22 yrs. due to budget issues. They have been harassing him for at least 6 years or more trying to force him to quit. But he always adapted to what they required instead. They took his Electrical/Technical Trainer job away, he had the highest test (higher than even management people) on the test, but they decided it was seniority, not qualifications. He spiraled and this whole mess started.

Friday, I was the f'ing b@#$% who STOLE his awards and recommendataion letters out of the file he put them in and is exactlky where he found them. Later that day I was an f'ing slut. He looks at porn, I just caught him again, so now he has passworded his laptop so I have no idea if he is @#$% off to it or not. I prefer not knowing actually. But if you have to put the password from you know where on it, then I have a good idea he still is. This is adultery. My pastor says I have full grounds for divorce.

Divorce the man who is my care giver, abuser, and turn on my vows for the 2nd time in my life and have yet 2 failed marriages. I am so undone, I could not even tell you half of what has happened in the past two days. (I am mentally and physically disabled/handicapped).

I have a daughter who in the 10th grade brought cocaine to school and this started a constant of arrests and court dates and more and more money as her dad would not step back. He bailed her every time, even taking out a loan for a probabionary program. Well, now she has a DWI and the wreck was almost fatal to her and the person she hit. 2 more inches and the officer said our daughter would have been decapitated!!! Hello??? Do you think it matters to her. Nope. He bailed her out again. This time he did not go to court with her. She received 1 year with all but 30 days suspended in jail, $1000 fine which she can work off through community service. She can do jail on weekends within the next 120 days (or face court and mandatory jail time on the spot).

Husband is looking for work out of state. She will have NO WHERE to live. She is soooo beautiful, she literally beats guys off of her and calls her dad to come and get her for help to get away from them. No lie. She is tired of it and wishes she was ugly. She could be a model. She was an honor grad, with a scholarship and they were talking to her about a full band scholarship. Drugs took over (she is also an alcoholic too now) and she pawned her $5000 Yamaha flute and piccolo!! She was kicked out of college. She had a great future, but threw it away!! I would give my eye teeth to be so smart and go to college!!

And today I lost it…Speaking of Verbal and other abuse. I just watched a DirecTV commercial that actually PROMOTES verbal abuse. The woman says she "feels like is can see her naked" and the man says in a a nasty retort "well at least someone gets to". I called them, the lady manager said, I've been abused and it doesn't bother me (the commercial that is). It is promoting men to talk mean to women!!! I will start on Monday if it is on my death bed to contact EVERY agency about the. I will start with the FCC and Attorney Generals office. She just wanted me to know what a multi-million dollar company they are and they have plenty of high powered attorneys. Well Goliath was pretty big, but a little boy named David (who would become King) took him out!! If you are against domestic abuse and voilence, DO NOT SUPPORT DIRECTV!! PLEASE!! Or let them know how you too feel about the add if you have seen it. We do not need the television industry telling men it is okay to abuse your wife verbally or otherwise!! Same with RAP!!!

The pdoc says the influence of the RAP, Alcohol and plus his mental health issues are the root of hit "Rages", he says it goes past anger. Great, he could totally lose it and kill us all. Right now, that sounds like Heaven!! I cannot take anymore. I need to go to the ER, feels like something ruptured within my stomach and been so sick, can't eat or drink. I HAVE to go to DHS on Monday to try to get help as Medicare isn't going to cover very much at all, especially when 2013 rolls around. I can't go there if I am in the hospital. And if I am dead, well then what is the worry.

I've prayed and prayed and prayed and there has been no answer on this one. It only gets worse. I guess I have done something to cause even the Lord to turn his back on one of his children. My entire family is dead. They died from cancer while I was very young. One reason my PTSD is so bad. I started caring for my mother in 2nd grade and her dad too. Her cancer returned and her hospital bed was in my bedroom so I could care for her when dad was at work. The day came she got bad and had to rush her back to the hospital. As we were driving off, she waved goodbye to our home. She never returned, I was about to turn 16, I watched my mother drown in her own fluid and her brain start going all at the same time, I watched her gasping for air and then the screen flat lined. She was gone. Repeat this same experience for my grandparents (all 4), my dad, my dad's twin — my uncle, my aunt, and many cousins. I had no idea I even had PTSD on top of all the other. I can't take much more. I am literally at the end of my rope and there is no knot to catch onto or net to fall into.

Why am I still here? I do not understand!!! I had wonderful parents who loved me and even while sick loved and cared for me when they could. It was an honor to care for all of my family, especially my parents. I miss them more than I can even explain, especially my daddy. I am daddy's little girl, always was and have been. Now, no daddy…I am no one now.