Life at the moment is a ball of confusion. I don't know which way is up. For the last few days I have had trouble even getting out of bed. Normally I can't sleep and as you can see I'm back at that place. I just want to drink myself into oblivion again. That is all that seems to work.
My meds are not working. My counsellor of 18 months is giving up private practice, work is just a blur and my family live nowhere near me. I feel so alone. I don't know where to turn. I don't even feel like livin right now. I have had enough of tryin to cope. I know that sounds like a cop out but i'm just about ready to give up.
I am also having trouble eating, concentrating and focusing on anything. I don't know why but my negative thiking and feelings are takin control. Nights keep getting longer and longer. I can't get my head around basic things. It feels like there is a huge mountain in front of me. What my brain says and what I can do are 2 separate things. People keep telling me just to get over it. If only it were that simple. Do they not know how hard it is?
I am finding it hard to talk to my friends again. Surely they have had enough of me – I know I have. I should be able to trust them, they are like family!!
I try and use all the coping mechanisms I have learnt but they just seem to push me deeper and deeper into my depression. I am my own worst enemy and just punish myself even more when I fail to be positive. This in turn is increasing the thoughts of ending things. Whats wrong with me?
Anyway, life sux, work sux and I suck!!!!! I just want to wake up tomorrow and make all the crap go away. The walls are closing in and I don't know if I have the strength and courage to continue to do this. What happens then? I'm pathetic and no good to anyone.
Anyway, thanks for listening. Don't feel you have to repy. I'm used to not being important. It's just helped putting it on paper.