I got a phone call from my dad today…

Apparently he called the house while my family and I were out…he called my cell phone and left a message saying "I guess you're not home, I'll call you tomorrow, Bye."

A typical statement…unemotional and pale.  Yet, he was crying. That sorry bastard was CRYING. The only thing that is going through my head at this instant is simply this: What gives him the thought that he has a right to cry?

How DARE he cry over this? He has no right to cry. NONE. Yet there he is sniffling and choking on his own words trying to sputter out that insignificant little statement.

This is the first time I've ever experiennced this feeling for so long…his numbed emotion. It almost feels how when you're on a rollercoaster and you want to scream for dear life but it won't….no, no. No it's not…the feeling is indescribable….

It just pisses me off so much!!!!! He has no fucking right to be crying….as horrible as this sounds, it's the truth. If not, if he had the smallest right or reason to shed a tear, I would feel absolutely guilt ridden. But no, I'm pissed off….yet numb…

I was having such a good day….I was with my family, eating out, just like old times…but that one voice message just…

Out of nowhere I felt….almost sleepy, but not quite. I just stopped functioning normally. Completley numb…it was so surreal…like I was watching my life from a third person. Then I just saw everything wrong. No good things, it was like my vision focused on things that I hadn't seen before…I saw how sad everyone looked, how tired they were…

My aunt and uncle…the two bright stars I'd onced looked forward to seeing were completley dead….and it wasn't just the numbness that brought it on…she starting telling my mom and I about her troubles….it was horrifying….seeing everything that's wrong in the world….it's a horrible perspective, but the entire day that was all I saw, and it was with my family….so I saw everything that was wrong with them…

We ran into one of….his friend's….of Matt's friends….he kept watching us….he wouldn't leave until after we got in the car….I'd bet everything I had that he is going to tell that BASTARD all that he saw….I'm so scared that one day he'll show up in my life….and just say surprise….

This numbness is so unnerving….I can't show any emotion……yet I feel like I'm about to crack….does that make sense? I'm numb…..my face shows nothing, my mind won't allow me to think of anger or sorrow for more than mere seconds….barely long enough for me to type the words that you read now…yet my heart is beating fifty times a second and I feel like suddenly I'm just going to break down….

What's wrong with me…?

The question: Am I depressed? keeps zooming in and out of my head…

But not enough for me to truly question….just enough to have it haunt me…

My mother is a therapist….but I could never turn to her…the irony burns my lungs….

I really want to cut….I need something to stop this numbness….it's making me insane….

I don't know what to do….everything seems to be getting worse as life progresses….How did this all start? When did this happen? Why is it happening to me? To you? To everyone? Why is this happening to people? What have we done that made this come to us?


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