I have probably written on this topic many times using different adjectives and verbs...not here but on another site and on paper in the earlier years. I spend time looking at an online thesaurus just to use different words for the same feelings and thoughts that play through my head day after day. I don't look forward to sleep anymore or seek it out purely to give myself a rest from my thoughts. I know if I sleep, I will eventually have to wake up, realize where I am and how f***ed up my world is. I am not saying I am not responsible for where I am just that I have gone about everything the wrong way. That wrong way has led me to this point: treatment resistant. I can't even begin to imagine what the 10+ years of psych medications have done to my organs and ability to ween off if that ever becomes possible. I've been on some cocktail or another since I was 13. I can't even remember what my childhood was like. I don't remember the happy outgoing child that talked as if she was beyond her years and knew how to handle Hydrocephalus and shunt revisions in such a way that eased her parents’ concerns--at least I hope that was the case.
I was born with Hydrocephalus and I didn't meet the "invisible cloak of darkness" until I was 13. But I've gone through more sh*t with the depression, anxiety, ADHD and OCD tendencies than I probably ever will with my Hydro. I've come to see the Hydro as a battle I CAN fight. Yes, my fight with Hydrocephalus may be ongoing as a shunt is not a cure and I am not a candidate for the Endoscopic 3rd ventriculostomy (ETV) but I can handle that. The mental battles that plague me are a different matter.
I look at longer term treatment facilities and think "if only I could go there then maybe I would find a reason to live for myself vs surviving for my family and pets." I don't sit here and blog for me anymore. I don't go to therapy or the doctor for me anymore. It's all to keep my family happily unaware--or most of them anyway--of what vexes me 24/7. I look at the dogs and cats around me and know I am hanging on for them too. But I think they know my moods by now. Or at least sometimes they'll become adamant for affectionate and pesky until they get it lol. They are the only ones that can make me smile when the "invisible cloak of darkness" is wrapped tightly around me. Just as my parents can cause it to restrict my mind. I've yet to learn to cope with my mother's drinking. When she drinks, my patience goes away so fast and my b**chy irritation takes its place. I feel this irritation/anger knowing full well what addiction is like...and I loathe myself for it!! I inflicted pain on myself during my high school years and I slip up every now and again. Whenever I slip up, I keep expecting the feelings of euphoria will not be there but they are still present. The feelings that run through me when my mind is made up (I am not the typical impulsive self-harmer) are still strong enough to drive me. I've always heard self-harm was considered impulsive behavior but it hasn't been such for me in quite a while. Maybe when I was in high school but now I think about it: consequences, placement, what will happen in the next few days (ie a doctor's appointment where it may be seen).
Fortunately, this venting has proved successful in making me mentally exhausted--as was my goal. Now sleep will hopefully be possible. I was able to justify putting my flannel sheets on my bed yesterday (finally!) and they always make me feel...secure and cocooned. Despite my being apprehensive about signs of affection, I wish I was able to ask for a hug or a shoulder when I needed one. As much as I want affection, one the rare occasion it happens, I find myself shutting down emotionally, trying to numb myself from the emotions that I may feel. If I let those emotions come to the surface, I can all but guarantee I will turn into a blubbering crybaby.