While walking out of Walmart a few weeks ago I happened to run into God who seemed to be walking quite fast and carrying a box of swiss rolls, a tub of ben and jerrys ice cream and a sports drink. I of course ran up to him…
Here is the conversation exactly as it transpired…Holy shit, God man whats up? What are you doing here? (GOD) “what the hell do you want, cant you see Im in a hurry? Im really not in the mood today, Im feeling rather down and would like to just go home, isolate, and eat until I cant move.” Oh sorry man, i can respect that, would you like some help carrying your ice cream? (GOD)”sure” No fucking way Im hanging with God! Hey you! Ya, take a picture of me and my pal God! Thanks, put it on myspace, Ill see it. Cool. So God, whats it like bieng, well you know God and all? (before God could even respond… timer starts now) Is Elvis really dead? Is your name on your underwear? Are they marked with the days of the week or just plain ol titey whiteys? Why are Black birds, Black? Where do babies really come from? Are the Vikings ever gonna win the superbowl? Will pigs ever fly? It I put my hand up my ass, am I playing with myself? What is with the popes hat? Where do gansters go when they die? Does Santa wantch me when Im being naughty? If he does then what does he do while hes watching? Do the reindeer ever make baby reindeer? Do faires really exist? Do they have sex? details please… Why do I grow hair down there? Why is Boxing day a holiday? What is the real prurpose of it? Are we in the Matrix? If so should I have taken the other pill? Will they ever figure out what is causing all those red necks to get anal probes? Who are THEY anyways? Why was the speedo invented? Can you smite the person who invented it? Should progress be the opposite of congress? What is curling all about anyways? Is there a Mrs. God? Do you care if I call you Burt? Are alligators really ornery? Can I go really go blind from masturbating? Do meeting makers really make it? How often do I really need to change my panties? If I fuck an doe am I gay? When will eating my boogers for luck finally pay off? If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around to hear it, does it make a sound? Can my kids really see ghosts or are they just messing with me? Is squeeze cheese in any of the food groups? What about McDonalds? Do you do birthday parties? Can you make the river part for me so I can go visit the states sometime? Or do I need to call Moses for that one? Do you have a mom? Was Mary really a virgin? Why do guys always poop a little when they fart? Will men ever have babies? Why not? Will halapenos really burn my asshole? Can I get pregnant from a hot tub? Can I have crabs as pets? Did any of the stuff in the bible ever really happen? Why doesnt anything like that happen now? Will Vanilla Ice ever make a come back? Is Michael Jackson going to hell? Whats Satan like? Is he really all that bad, or do you guys have poker night like every other week, betting on peoples souls and shit? If so who wins the majority of the time? What was really in the drugs I used to do? Where did my memory go? Do I really need to shit, shower and shave every day? How come sometimes when i poop it is bigger than my butthole? Do you ever stare at the sun? Am I really from Venus? Do you have a penis? Is it monster big? Why does my firends dog always hump my leg and sniff my crotch? Can I go around humping peoples legs and sniffing crotches? If I did what would happen? Whats up with the creepy guy on the bus? Is stalking as romantic as it seems to stalkers? Where are you parked man? What kind of car do you drive anyways? Did you ever think about having Xibit pimp it up for you? Where is the real Labryth? Why dont other people wear their wonder woman costumes to work? Is my sister really moldy? Why do candles burn? Where is the end of the earth? Is there really other life in the universe? Which came first, the lion or the tiger? What does antidisestablishmentarianism mean? Are we there yet? Do these pants make my ass look big? Where did all this extra skin come from? Why do I have hairy toes? Can I really get smart if I read alot of books? How many do I have to read? Do comic books count? Is there a pot of gold at the end of every rainbow? Can I learn Kung Fu by watching Kung Fu, the Legend Continues? What city do the ninja turtles live in? If Ritz crackers are so Ritzy then why do poor people eat them too? Was I the Chesire cat in a previous life? Was I at least something cool? Why does Disney feel the need to kill off at least one parent in almost all of their movies? What wouldve happened if Shrek never kissed Fiona? How many licks does it take to get to the center of a tootsie pop? Why do Canadians spell color wrong? Can you tell me where to find my marbles? Will Bush ever be assasinated? Will you do it? If I have sex with a tree will I be a tree hugger or a tree humper? Do all dogs really go to heaven? Am I an angel? Does Red Bull give you wings? Where is TuPac? REALLY? (DING! Times up) (GOD who appeared to be suffering from extreme mental constipation, was apparently stalled in a fixed mental state of WTF, just stood there staring at me) Yo God! Hey man, whats wrong? Why are you staring at me man? (a few minutes of awkward silence go by) Remember man, what happens at Walmart stays at Walmart, dont go telling all your buddies, I wouldnt want them to think I was some kind of freak. Ummmm, Maybe you should see a doctor, are you alright? Whooo I am starving, Can I have few of those swiss rolls? Thanks man, you are awesome. And this is about where the encounter with God ended. He just stood there, not knowing what to do… staring into the empty parking lot, with a blank expression on his face. I grabbed his box of swiss rolls and his sports drink (I left him the ben and Jerrys, I figured he could probably use it more than I could) and skipped home, with Gods binge food in tote. Heres what I learned… That Walmart really is a one stop shop, and swiss rolls taste really good with sports drinks.