Things were going fine. It was a simple conversation between me and my boyfriend, but my insecurities started to seep through me. As I mentioned before, he and I plan to get married and the plans haven't changed. Yes, I know I'm young and yada yada, but I'm very sure. That is not the issue here. I began to wonder if he felt the same. He's always assured me that he does, that it was his idea in the first place. Then it goes into the topic of moving in with him.
Now, I would like to, but my parents are very traditional and as I still live with them, I abide by their rules. I love and respect my parents to death. They have honestly put a lot of pressure on me to be the one in the family to "do it right." By doing it right, it means marrying before moving in and truly knowing the person and all that. It is also meant to be pure until marriage, but I have already failed them at that. I feel immense guilt for it still and for a long time I felt disgusted with myself that I had let them down. Only my mom knows and she made me feel bad about it and whatnot. It wasn't as though I regretted the act, but I deeply regretted how they would see me. My mom said I was no longer a large prize to be won or asked me why Gordon would buy the cow when he's got the milk for free.
So since I failed them at being a virgin until marriage, I feel even more obligated to follow their last wishes of me finishing school and marrying before I move in with Gordon. Gordon's opinion on this matter is different, though he says when it comes down to it, it doesn't matter. He thinks we should move in together before we get married, to have a test run to see how things go. I would agree with this, but its the obligation to my parents that's holding me back. Then he goes on to saying he's not sure what his family would feel.
His family has indirectly made me feel inadequate on many levels. His sisters are extremely successful on their own, even though they're married, and make serious bank. I once went to Six Flags with Gordon's sister Margaret and her husband Nick and they had sort of interviewed me as it was their first time meeting me and all that. I had expected at much, but when I heard what they did and how much they were making, it instantly put me down. And as soon as they started asking questions about me, it just made me feel bad about myself. I'm sure its not what they intended, but I couldn't help but feel so inadequate. I had no job, haven't done anything worthy of note, haven't experienced much, and I have and will not have much money. My career choice is quite a modest one. I just felt so low in comparison to them and I felt like I wouldn't ever seem quite worthy for Gordon in their eyes.
I had kept all of the insecurity bottled up and told Gordon tonight. The sweetheart he is denies my inadequacy and always will remind me that I'm not inadequate, saying that I'm amazing and worthy as is. He tells me I'm psyching myself out and I'll make it through it. And it just makes me want to cry so much because I'm not entirely sure I will. Just thinking about how I don't measure up tears me apart, because I've felt like such a small and insignificant thing my whole life. And I question how he could deal with me, with a giant hole of teeming darkness in my heart. It will always be there no matter how hard I try to get rid of it. Its always waiting to encase me in its sadness and put me in such a dismal state.
I want to give him all of the love in my heart. I would do anything for him. I am willing to sacrifice and do my best to ensure his happiness, but how can I do my best with depression waiting in the sidelines?
Even now, thinking about how my depression can effect him scares me. Just thinking about the fact I have such a shaky mental and emotional state makes my skin hot and brings tears to my eyes as an ever growing sadness draws closer. I really am trying to hold it at bay. I just don't know what to do.
Throughout the week, I'm on autopilot. I just go about my day like usual, stoically, until I see him again. He's become my anchor of sorts and honestly, that's the last thing I wanted to happen. I never wanted him to become something I depend on for my own happiness. He makes me so happy, but he's just about the only thing that does. How will I go on droning through the week until I see him? I hate that that's what I do, but I can't seem to do anything but.
As I write this, he's messaging me and asking if I'm okay, checking on me because I refuse to reply, knowing I'll start to break down. I cannot stress enough how damn good he is to me. I love him very dearly.
Now if I only I can learn to love myself.