So this weekend was actually good. Friday I suggested to my honey that we go eat at Red Lobster (for one, its Lent so red meat is inedible on Fridays & 2, he has never eaten there) so he got off work early, went to the gym then I went to his house so we could go to Red Lobster. We're there talking and enjoying a glass of wine (me) & martini (him) and I told him how my April Fool's joke to him was going to be that I was pregnant (which was totally unbelievable because I was on my period at the time) and he said he would've freaked out & crapped his pants but at the same time he would've been really happy & excited. Well, the paranoid part of me got upset over the fact that his reaction would've been to freak out so I got upset (which I have no idea why because I ran the scenario in my head & knew he was going to act like that anyway) but something deep down inside of me got hurt because of the fact that he has two sons with a woman he claims to have never been in love with anyway so I guess I just thought well shit, he says he's in love with me then why the heck couldn't we entertain the idea of procreating together?? Well, her felt really bad about it because a friend of his that's married and has a son with another lady told him that him& his wife almost broke up because the wife wants a kid but the guy doesnt so my bf told him it wouldn;t be fair to the lady. Well, my bf said that he thought about it and he thought that it wouldn't be fair to me if he didn't want any kids so that maybe he wasn't the one for me after all which totally made me bawl because I know in my heart that he;s the one for me and then he immediately felt bad for saying that because he said he knows deep down in his heart that I'm the one for him and that he didn't want to deprive me of motherhood. Well, we got to my house and got down and didn't talk to each other for about an hour. Well, we didn't talk to each other for an hour because we fell asleep on my bed. I woke up and he was just looking at me and rubbing my cheek. Then he apologized and said that the way he reacted to the whole situation was pretty selfish of him and that he wasn't thinking about my feelings so I felt bad and told him that I was being selfish and if he already has two sons to worry about taking care of that he doesn't need one or two more. But he said in the hour that he was asleep that he was consciously thinking about it and that he would really want to have a family with me if I wanted to with him. He then asked me if I really would want to have kids with him (with his PTSD and dissociative identity disorder) but I said that I've seen him with his sons and that side of him has never come out with the boys at all and that I couldn't think of a better man to father my kids other than him so he started crying and I started crying and we agreed that when I am ready we are going to start our own family. So we left it at that and ever since then he has been super lovey and texting me just like he used to (in a previous blog I mentioned how he was changing). Well, being that he has the boys this weekend we usually don't plan on seeing each other but I spend quite a few hours with him yesterday before he picked the boys up. Well, last night I had this dream that he told me that our wedding was going to be March 28 and I was like what?? then he said yeah, i have a ring for you but it's getting sized right now and as soon as I pick it up I'm going to propose to you. So that totally freaked me out and I (in my crazy little head) thought I would tell him about it thinking that he was going to totally freak out and say that it was too soon to be talking about getting married but when I told him I tried to save face by saying 'Well it was just a dream anyway". But it all came out in my favor because he said that he hopes it's not just a dream and we never know because even thoughhe did say the date in my dream he didn't say a year so for all we know we could really get married in the dream. Then he said even though he doesn't have a ring for me he does know my ring size! Which I think there is something up because I remember for Christmas our mutual friend that hooked us up asked me for my ring size yet she gave me something totally irrelevant for Christmas and my honey did get me James Avery. Then the other day when we were at her and her husband;s house they were talking about a friend of theirs that is getting married and she told my honey that the guy went to Jared (the jewelry store) and made this face at him like "Hey there's an idea" and she said "Just saying" which made me totally suspicious because why would she say that he went there and make a big deal out of the fact that he got the engagement ring from Jared?? So… basically I'm totally excited about the fact that we have actively and positively talked about getting married and having kids which is totally the closest I have ever gotten to it in a relationship. The last time I got almost as close was my ex, Nick, but he broke up with me after three or four months and this Saturday will be five months with my honey. In any other case, I would be scared that everything would fall to shit after a month or two but then after the wedding conversation this morning my honey texted asking if I wanted to go to the zoo with him and his older son so I said yes and we had SOOO much fun! It was so awesome because when we were leaving the zoo his son even held my hand. So I had the 5 yr old on side and my honey on the other and it felt like we were our own little family already. I hope this feeling (and relationship) lasts. I truly think he is the one for me. As long as we are together (and I mean 24/7), then I think our BPD, PTSD & DID will be a thing of the past. It's when were NOT together that things get bumpy. So being together almost every waking moment should be the cure to our problems. (I know it sounds crazy, but it just feels so right, though!) I hope everyone is having an amazing Sunday!
Tali_G87, , Depression, Anxiety, Borderline Personality Disorder, Child, Dissociative Disorder, PTSD, Relationships, Schizophrenia, 0