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Sigh.

Hello fellow bloggers and blog readers, of course.

I regret to inform you that today's blog will not be happy.

I believe that it was almost exactly 2 months ago that I last posted to all of you.

I wish I could say that I got busy or got caught up in something exciting.

But, I did not, my friends.

I did travel to Texas to see a close friend and that was all well and dandy but other than that, nothing has happened.

Except for now. Except for today. Except for what my blog is on today. As I stated earlier, this is not a happy post so you may go ahead and page through to another blog at this time if you don't wish to read on.

You have been warned.

I had a medicine change in late November. (For those who do not know, I do suffer from Depression, Anxiety and Bi-Polar Disorder) It was a sleeping medicine, as I am a complete insomiac. The med worked fairly well at first, knocking me completely out for atleast 12 hours. Then as it built up in my system, I noticed something. Something that I never do.

Every way I look at anything isusuallypositive and I try to pull myself out of the hole that depression had created.

But not now. Not this time.

If you know ANYTHING about depression, you would know that the suicide rate goes up if you have depression. It also goes up more if you do or have ever self mutilated. (Not proud to say, but I did cut, burn and break both of my own feet because of the monster of depression)

But calm your horses. Put down the phone, turn back on the tv and don't break suddenly in your car.

I got help and was on the mend for exactly a year and a month!

Now, I face something so evil, so horrible, so sinical that I almost am afraid to type it.

I'm very suicidal. Everything I see, my mind warps it into something I could use to hurt myself.

Example?

My fish tank.

It's taking everything I have not to shove my head in it and drown myself.

The blinds cord.

You can just use your imagination for that one.

I did call my doctor but the call will be returned tomorrow as it 2:15 am right now :-/

My parents are aware ( Yes I still live with my parents due to my condition but will be moving next Aug as I will be married :D)

Basically, I'm ok where I am. I'm on "suicide watch" at home and will be evaluated most likely tomorrow so that they can see if it's just a side effect of the med (my opinion) or something else. (NOT my opinion)

Anyways. I'm getting tired. I wish peace for you all.

As usual, use my things and give credit to me plz!

Make someone smile, as it is that season!

-ManaRoo

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