I sat in my chair and held the bottle in my hand. I thought to myself… this is it! I'm threw with the pain and the anguish. Take the cap off, grab the drink and start taking them. One at a time, 2 at a time, as many as my throat can handle. … But I didn't I thought it but I didn't do it! That was last night.

I am so tired of hurting and I sit here right now thinking about the decision I have to make right now. Do I sit here tonight through the pain and try to face another day or do I end it all? Right now I don't know the answer to that!

I know that I felt like crap when my counselor pointed out that I would hurt my kids. I just feel like they would be better off without me. When will I stop trying and be successful? When will I get someone here to take care of my children so I don't have to worry about them anymore? When will the depression leave and reality step in?

All the time I feel my heart breaking and another pile of crap is dumped on me. I even found someone I could make a suicide pact with. Isn't that sick?? But am I? I have so many things wrong but am I sick? Or am I just a coward a piece of crap that really deserves no sympathy, no love, and definitely no children.

That’s another question I have. Why did you give me kids? There are so many other people out there who are more deserving, who would die to have the blessings you gave to me, who don't sit here wondering if tonight is the last time they will see their child smile or give their baby a kiss. Why? Why me? Why not someone more deserving? I don't want to screw them up for life like I AM SCREWED UP!

Can anyone help me? Am I able to be saved? Am I doomed to roll through these ups and downs forever? Will my peace come only with death? Check me in!! I need help cause if I don't get it I won't stop!

 

2 Comments
  1. snowdreamer 11 years ago

    I felt the same way a while back like from the time I was a teenager until 4yrs ago when I found a doctor, a psychiatrist who got me the meds I needed.  It took some trial and error but we finally found the right combination and I have to honestly say I'm doing better.  I still have those down days and wondering if I should be here or not but they aren't as intense as before.  I have bipolar manic depression meaning I don't have many days when I'm not depressed.  I can't say I'm  happy but I can say I'm not as bad and can live with myself  now.

    Do you have a doctor or can you see one?  Please please don't give up yet if  not for you for your children.  They are innocent and don't understand if mommy isn't here anymore.  If you don't have a doctor check yourself into an ER and they will get you one I promise.  hang in there sweetheart there is hope.

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  2. blueyes36 7 years ago

    2014 and i'm still dealing with the same crap and feeling the same way no matter what meds they put me on. Yes they "diagnosis" me with Bipolar I disorder with sever depression DID (Dissociative identity disorder) and PTSD everyone knows what that is. It doesn't matter what names they give me I am still me with those things. I also have diabetes, gall stones, and a heart problem since I was born! It doesn't define me! I have those things it is not what I am! BUT why do i everyday never know if I am going to wake up and wish I die? or feel fine give my kids there hugs and kisses then 20 minutes later start cussin at them, or start crying ? I am so fed up with all the changing, and all the blackouts! Waking up in different outfits! being in places you dont know how you got there!! And here is the kicker… your counselor.. the one who gives you the meds is always saying to you… "well you (I) have a masters degree you figure it out!" Freaking Einstine was a genius but was mentally insane!!!!! Guys or Gals if anyone reads this I am at the end of my rope. it is 3 am and I have had an entire 3 months of nothing but ups and downs. I have comtiplated suicide, the effects, I have a plan, I don't know when I will execute it but It has been four years of the same stuff. I have changed myself since I wrote this original blog. I have moved, lost 110 lbs, recieved a masters degree, worked, and lost work, there is nothing consistant other than i am unable to be consistant and healthy. what will i do i dont know.. i am just so tired of this!

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