I sat in my chair and held the bottle in my hand. I thought to myself… this is it! I'm threw with the pain and the anguish. Take the cap off, grab the drink and start taking them. One at a time, 2 at a time, as many as my throat can handle. … But I didn't I thought it but I didn't do it! That was last night.
I am so tired of hurting and I sit here right now thinking about the decision I have to make right now. Do I sit here tonight through the pain and try to face another day or do I end it all? Right now I don't know the answer to that!
I know that I felt like crap when my counselor pointed out that I would hurt my kids. I just feel like they would be better off without me. When will I stop trying and be successful? When will I get someone here to take care of my children so I don't have to worry about them anymore? When will the depression leave and reality step in?
All the time I feel my heart breaking and another pile of crap is dumped on me. I even found someone I could make a suicide pact with. Isn't that sick?? But am I? I have so many things wrong but am I sick? Or am I just a coward a piece of crap that really deserves no sympathy, no love, and definitely no children.
That’s another question I have. Why did you give me kids? There are so many other people out there who are more deserving, who would die to have the blessings you gave to me, who don't sit here wondering if tonight is the last time they will see their child smile or give their baby a kiss. Why? Why me? Why not someone more deserving? I don't want to screw them up for life like I AM SCREWED UP!
Can anyone help me? Am I able to be saved? Am I doomed to roll through these ups and downs forever? Will my peace come only with death? Check me in!! I need help cause if I don't get it I won't stop!