I am experiencing Anxiety today.  I have been doing what I can to manage these feelings. I have been a member of tribe for a long time. I have been inactive, for sometime. My screenname is Foreverchanging because I feel like I forever change.  Sometimes I am okay. Sometimes I am not. Today, I am not.

I want to start this blog with saying that, I have no idea how to counteract the destructive intrusive thoughts. I react on them. Almost impulsively. I see an image of a woman my boyfriend likes, even if it isn\’t provocative and my mind blows a circuit.  I go absolutely out control on thee inside.

Why wouldn\’t I? I spent 20 years with someone who replaced me for images of pornography. I lived a life of fear what seems like FOREVER. Afraid I wouldn\’t make it on my own. Being told I never would. My parents conditioning to tell me I never would make it. I didn\’t drive until I was 21. My now ex husband, fathered me with how he took care of everything, then later blamed me for not appreciating what he did for me after I begged him for emotional love. My counselor said to me, you are coming from an abusive relationship.

When I asked for assistance or alimony I was called a Bitch. I got nothing but the house I live in and two cars. I work and make less than he ever did. I had to climb the hill to even be where I am now.

My new boyfriend works as a media manager for a major recording artist. My mind is on the major fritz as I am starting to see his personality. We have had this mystical love and feel we are each others soulmate. But the one thing my ex was good at was being solidly there, even with the porn. Maybe I shouldn\’t be comparing.

This guy here, promises me forever, tells me he loves me, spends evenings with me on the phone every night. Okay red flag, he hasn\’t been married. He is mindful of this. He worries how people perceive him. He is 56 years old. But then when we become serious, and I want more it is like \”Oh I have things I have to do before the end of the year\” Not normal things as you would think right? No, it is more like personal hobby projects like going to antique fairs, shopping, daydreaming about releasing LP\’s of a band he has been in for 30 years. An original band. That is fine.

I had the whole life of being a full life living with my ex husband. We are in a band and were in a band married. We had projects and work, and were there times I needed to have time to get an exam done, sure. But, my ex husband was solid as in I knew what to expect. That is why I wonder if I made a mistake. All because I needed emotional love and intimacy.

Will there always be another guy to date, sure. But I get so attached. I spend a lot of time processing my loss. I am alone now. I was alone and separated the last three years of my marriage but it is such a sad case. I am 39. Why would I ever want to settle. I see my boyfriend in 10 days. I have to fly to see him because he lives all the way across the united states.

Unlike my ex husband. (I keep wanting to call him husband) We talk so much. I share most everything with him. He knows I need something to feel certain about us. Nor would I ever want to pressure him. I just want to see it moving in a certain way.

There are longevity signs, he got tickets for us to go to a concert this summer. There\’s a good chance I will meet my dream artist, but I also want to say I want to know where we are going. Maybe it hasn\’t been enough time yet.  This man is conscientious and sends me cards and gifts. He is a loving person. But I am worried he might be limited to understand the forever aspect I have only known.

If I wanted a forever so bad why didn\’t I just stay married. I can\’t say (Ex anymore) my husband I had for 15 years just wasn\’t anything other than like, minimized my worth. Always talked over me, I struggled with my weight. He called me fat or chubby. he was never a fan of anything feminine I tried to do so therefore I always stayed manly in pants and Just ended up feeling totally undesirable.

I left him. I did! But I feel like time has passed so many years. Why do I just keep getting relationships with limitations. I am limited with my own anxiety. The major thing I want to heal is the problems I have with feeling insecure and inadequate. I want it to stop. I really do.  I am in counseling for this.  But I will take any support I could possibly get.