I have a problem with sharing storyies of my personal life, but I learned in the last treatment program I was in (which it did not really work I just did it cause it was court order) . Anyways I learned one important thing is to be open and share your life experiences. Which was very hard for me to do but here it's easier for some reason maybe because I'm not face to face with anyone.
So here I go……
Yes I do use on a daily bases choice of drug METH and has been now for alittle over 11 yrs. I've been told I'm a functional addict , I started using at first just to do it I thought what the hell I'll just try it this once. But then I liked how it made me feel I had so much energy. I could go to work all day even work overtime. Come home cook and clean do what I had to do as a single parent which is alot. Then after all was done for the day I take a sleeping pill go to sleep wake up in the morning use I use like it was my coffee every morning and repeat my day. I also like it because it made me more talktive and outgoing which before I was kinda shy. I honestly believed it made me better in everything and everyway. But 2yrs. ago something went wrong and I lost all that I had my job, my place, my car, my self respect, my self esteem…and I'm still using…I've tryed to stopped but I keep landing right back in this rut that I am now stuck in. When I don't use I feel so hopeless and depressed and I hate the fact that evryone sees me like that. But when I am using everyone sees me differently in a better way it seems like…I know it's very weried. When I'm not using I sleep alot and I'm also very emotional and the people around will put me down and say mean things because they see me like that. But when I'm using and I'm up and about getting things done I get a different response. I know I shouldn't care what they say or think and that I should just cut them out of my life because its is very obvious that they are toxic. But I cannot do that as they are my family and I have no where else to go. I really feel trapped in a big hole….it seems that when I start to do better for myself rather it is finding a job or just being a little happy someone is always trying to knock me back down.
Any advice or opnions are welcome.
We all had a time when using whatever our drug choice was seemed like fun and we could handle it. Doing pain killers gave me the same feeling you had on meth. But the truth is that will NEVER happen again. You have the disease of addiction. Those we love and love us don’t understand that. They think if you just stopped and were like the rest of us you’d be fine. They don’t know it but the anger isn’t really at you but the fact that they lost the you they knew. If you have been to treatment you know what to do but just don’t believe what you were told. The ONLY way to stay clean and become the person that you were truly meant to be is to go MEETINGS !! Tell them you’re new and you need some help. You don’t have to understand it just do it. What have you got to loose ??? You are right that sharing this stuff is a very good thing. We all need people that understand us and don’t knock us down but lift us up and this is a good place to start. Keep sharing and keep trying and no matter what – don’t pick-up. Stay strong and stay clean ! Johnny Wheels.
admitting the fact that you are an addict is a huge step. now what? try getting out of yourself and get the help you need. there are people on this site who really and truly care. they al;so have a lot of knowledge about the disease of addiction. i hate to pop your bubble but you are not unique. many of us have traveled the road you are going down. now you need to make the choice life or death? i don't come here as often as i used too. but if you go to my page jjrocksarizona you will find blogs filled with suggestions about getting clean and staying clean. by the grace of God in 30 days i will celebrate 22 years clean. i used for 22 years. the two gentlemen below are friends i mine that i cherish a lot.
drop the freaking drugs and grab onto your ass and take it to as many meeting of Narcotics Anonymous as you can. i was a dysfunctional addict for 22 years of my life. but today my life is just that my ife. i have survived 4 heart attacks, 4 heart surgeries, 21 other surgeries. but i sponsor many people in NA and continue to speak when asked and most of all try to be of service to the newcomer. i will send you a friends request and what you do with it is up to you. if yuou are truly serious about saving your life then listen to the people who talk to you and offer suggestions they just might save your butt. i wish you well on your journey of recovery.
NA hugs,
JJ