I have a problem with sharing storyies of my personal life, but I learned in the last treatment program I was in (which it did not really work I just did it cause it was court order) . Anyways I learned one important thing is to be open and share your life experiences. Which was very hard for me to do but here it's easier for some reason maybe because I'm not face to face with anyone.
So here I go……
Yes I do use on a daily bases choice of drug METH and has been now for alittle over 11 yrs. I've been told I'm a functional addict , I started using at first just to do it I thought what the hell I'll just try it this once. But then I liked how it made me feel I had so much energy. I could go to work all day even work overtime. Come home cook and clean do what I had to do as a single parent which is alot. Then after all was done for the day I take a sleeping pill go to sleep wake up in the morning use I use like it was my coffee every morning and repeat my day. I also like it because it made me more talktive and outgoing which before I was kinda shy. I honestly believed it made me better in everything and everyway. But 2yrs. ago something went wrong and I lost all that I had my job, my place, my car, my self respect, my self esteem…and I'm still using…I've tryed to stopped but I keep landing right back in this rut that I am now stuck in. When I don't use I feel so hopeless and depressed and I hate the fact that evryone sees me like that. But when I am using everyone sees me differently in a better way it seems like…I know it's very weried. When I'm not using I sleep alot and I'm also very emotional and the people around will put me down and say mean things because they see me like that. But when I'm using and I'm up and about getting things done I get a different response. I know I shouldn't care what they say or think and that I should just cut them out of my life because its is very obvious that they are toxic. But I cannot do that as they are my family and I have no where else to go. I really feel trapped in a big hole….it seems that when I start to do better for myself rather it is finding a job or just being a little happy someone is always trying to knock me back down.
Any advice or opnions are welcome.