like the song says "I knew you'd run away" and I made the mistake of trying to explain to my 'mom' how much i'm breaking or rather shattered and that 'going outside' or dressing up does nothing but make my head and heart throb and panic attacks.

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and she just frowned and gave me this look. that was it. so I walked flipping her off (she didn't see) as i walked to my room.

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had another purge session after that. and I was close to being okay with it inside me (light soygurt, small apple total9140 for the day) or would've been but i purged it. (I guess that was considered last night because it's already midnight)

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I Just want to fade and wither away into nothingless. THIS isn't life, I don't think i've ever had a purpose for this life, only to make others stress and hate me. i'm the thorn of everyone i knows side.

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I don't want to be here…I'm thinking of my 6th attempt, thinking of everything I can possibly do while they aren't here, and that for sure KILL me this time. I was SO SO close last time!

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/

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when I woke up and cried it wasn't from the pain my body was in, it was the fact i even woke up at all.

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trying to hold back these bitter lifeless tears to write this. but what's the point even in that? no one cares. they use you until they find something more worth while. something better then they leave you behind, just to fade in the silent hands of the darkness.

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so..i could go on a bit, but it doesn't matter, no one wants to read this, no one wants to acknowledge this. it won't fix anything.

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NOTHING MATTERS ANYMORE. and it hasn't in a VERY long time…

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