Another week has flown past me!  uggghhhhh!  wooooossssssssssssssssssaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah  Of course things are as they are.  How else would they be?  Should they be?  Could they be?  *sigh  i feel exhausted–from head to toe, inside and out.  Oh, and since it’s a kind of cloudy day, too, that just makes me feel even more like going back to bed.  –i know:  not really how my body likes things to be.  Hey, it’s Friday.  Big Whoop!  i can’t be arsed to really give a hoot, at the moment.  i think i’ve  spent up every ounce of energy i thought i had, this morning…..or something extremely close to it, anyway.  i feel like i’ve given up so much in this past year or so. i’ve given in and settled for so much less….. No, i didn’t expect things to be this way, but then again, i didn’t expect my prior roommate to have been quite the way he was–and then, die a day or two after i leave.  i also really dunno what i was expecting, exactly.  i know, in my heart, i really have wanted to reconnect with my son and with my grandson–especially since i finally met my grandson, last year.  But, since that time, my son’s joined the Air Force–dunno for how long or where he’s at, or anything; plus, my daughter’s fiance’ and his father have not returned any of my messages, so i have NO idea how Gabe’s doing, if he’s succeeding in school, or if he ever got started, yet!! —-i do NOT understand people!!!!!  i know:  most people don’t understand me, either, no matter how simple i feel like i am.  *sigh  Seems like a never ending carnival–ups and downs, ins and outs–always costing!!!!!!!!!!!!!  ehhhh, but it isn’t like it’s gonna go with me, after all, when my time comes.  i also get that one….more than you know.  Sometimes, i just feel like no matter how hard i try, it’s all wasted efforts–everything i’m doing is for what?????  Does it even matter?  Will anyone even give a care when i’m gone?  Will anyone even try to contact my son, if/when something should happen to me?  And, will he even care?  i’m sure this sounds like a lot of self-pity, and maybe it is, but i feel like this a bit tooooooo much, lately.  *sigh  My body’s been in a bit more pain, as of late, and that doesn’t seem to matter much, either.  No matter how slow i’m moving, the only thing that’s made note of:  you’re not moving fast enough to get things done for me……  Why do i even try???  What difference does it all make, in the end?  Is my lil touch of faith being tested—always?  Or, is it simply that i’m being tested–how far will i go until i completely shatter?  

i feel like i need a break.  But, a break from what?  to do what?  for how long?  smh…..soooooooooooo tired of being/feeling sick’n tired and frustrated with people who’re supposed to be the closest to me.  How is this any way to “live”????  What does “living” really look like???  When does it start?

 

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