Today is Day 3 of workout and I am so sore. Haha getting on and off the toilet, in and out of bed, on and off the couch and in and out of my clothes is pretty funny to watch according to my equally sore hubby. lol

   My anxiety isn't too bad. I thought it would be way worse honestly. I was jittery when I first woke up this morning but it's gone away for now. I slept last night normally. I didn't wake up 5 billion times. I am shocked because usually if I work out I don't sleep that night and if I sleep I am waking up ALOT and feel pretty restless. I am also shocked because my mother has been causing me an intense amount of grief. sadHonestly though, that really is nothing new. I just handle it alot differently than I used to. I speak my mind now and stick up for myself instead of biting my tongue and stuffing my emotions.

     It's kind of personal but basically she has her brother, my molester, living in her house and she doesn't believe he molested me. It's insane. The man is in and out of jail, has drug and alcohol issues, which no they doesn't make you a bad person, and he has stolen from her before and gotten countless DUI's and is no longer allowed to drive. My life is productive, healthy, I am not in and out of jail and the only problems in my life stem from her and her side of the family. I take care of my kids and love them and I am a good mom but sigh I will never be good enough for her. She actually sent me an email saying I should mind my own business, not worry about other's families and just worry about my own. Oh! I wanted to write her back and tell her last time I checked they ARE my family. At any rate the other day I made the decision with the help of my psychologist to just cut that side of my family out of my life in order to protect myself and work on the healing process. Her email just got rid of any doubts I had about my decision.

   I am sorry my mother does not understand that if she has her brother in her life then he is still in my life through her. Not to mention the ultimate betrayal of a mom housing your molester! He is a grown man and he can't seem to take care of himself?? I was told it isn't christianly to have her brother living on the street. Her view of what God wants and doesn't wants seems to be distorted to fit her own needs. Sorry if I am ranting. Also my little brother is only 12 and still living with her and a child molester plus my mom has a friend's twin 14yr old girls living there and my cousin's 3 small girls there as well. It's a mess.  Yes I do plan on pressing charges against my uncle soon. It's just I live all the way across the country from all that drama. By the grace of God. So when I am well enough emotionally then I can go all the way back across the country and to court.

   So yeah I have alot of stress right now but I seem to be holding up under the physical stress of working out and the emotional stress of my mom.

    You might be a little suprised at my openness about my situation but really if other's have gone through anything similar then I know it helps to not be alone. So someone needs to be blunt and open for not only myself but for others. Plus I spent the greater part of my life attempting to pretend my childhood was just some bad dream I coud sweep under the rug and over the years I have rode an anxiety/depression roller coaster and I want off. So I have to confront this openly and honestly. 

    You don't have to bite your tongue and get along with your family. Of course that is not to say you should be ugly to them. I cut my mom off as respectfully as I could. I told her I am not trying to hurt anyone but I need to protect myself and I feel this is my only choice. Considering all the uglyness.  Just because my mom is my mom doesn't mean I have to make nice and talk to her and allow her to treat me badly. You show people how you are to be treated. If you keep overlooking things and sit in pain in silence then you are telling the other person it is ok to treat you badly and that you will put up with it and so they will keep treating you badly and it becomes a vicious circle.  Toxic relationships will eat away at you and I am not ashamed of what happened to me any longer. They should be ashamed not me.  

     Enough about that. I got off the rollercoaster and now I just need to gain my balance and recover from all the ups and downs, loop de loops, twists and turns.

     I know this is a book I am writing here lol. At any rate. Exercise is going good. I am sore like I said. My anxiety is ok. There is a God!!

    I was reading online today that cortisol levels may rise after physical activity in response to the physical stress on the body. This happens more frequently in people who are overweight…like me…and out of shape…like me…and if you do not hydrate properly. So this can cause anxiety for up to I think like two to three days after working out. So I am sticking with my workout and working on staying hydrated and fed properly. We are going grocery shopping today and we are following the p90x food plan. It has mostly veggies and fruit and good for you meats. well I don't really recall bad carbs in there anywhere. So I am doing my best to support my body by putting the right things into it. I don't drink soda or sugary drinks. lol I would be climbing the walls. I only drink water and milk. Mostly water. That's not really anything new for me though. My body is super sensitive to sugar so I try to stay away from sugary drinks. OK done with this book.

    OH! I almost forgot! I went to do my vlog for youtube yesterday like I promised and well while trying to get it from camera to computer there was technical difficulties so still working on that.

My Goals for today:

Finish up step 4 in workbook…I was bad and didn't get to it yesterday


shower of course

grocery shop

do some stuff around the house and hang out with my wonderful hubby and kiddos.

I hope the rest of you are doing great and are feeling well rested and happy. Happy New Year! I just know 2009 is going to be my YEAR! can't wait!


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