Who are you?

I see your face, even if for a few minutes throughout the day. I see your eyes, drowning by the wrinkled lines of survival. I see you, but I don’t even recognize you anymore. Who are you? This is not my father. A stranger has entered my life without an identity. Those smiles have disappeared, the laughter has turned into loud noises, and those words of wisdom seem to be lingering around me like the wind. Who is this stranger who brings fear, anger, secrets and lies? Who are you? Why drag along lies and secrets buried 10 feet underground? Should I have seen the signs? Should I have wondered why you did the things you did or why you act the way you do? Who is this stranger I once idolized? What happened to the father figure I could trust, be honest with & look up to? Why are you doing all of these horrible things? Why can’t we turn back the hands of time and pretend like these secrets and lies never existed? Why can’t we go back in time to an era where I didn’t have to feel this burden of secrets & lies on my chest? Who is this stranger drifting apart from his children? Why are you so blind to your own accusations? When are you going to stop making your children suffer for your marital problems? Who is this drug addicted, alcoholic, verbally abusive stranger whom I call my father?

What are you doing?

I wait to hear your car pull up on the drive-way, fearful of what to expect. I wait to hear you walk in the door, just to know that you are still alive, but is it my responsibility? I wait until there is silence before I fall asleep at night, just to make sure nothing impulsive happens, but how many more sleepless nights must I endure? I don’t like taking sides, but your current actions build a wall of uncertainty between us. Why do you always leave the house without ever telling anyone where you are going? Why do you spend so much money on alcohol? Why do you blame your failed marriage on your children? What will happen when no one will want anything to do with you in the future based on your current actions & addictions? Why do you verbally abuse my mother in front of me? Why am I afraid that one day you will hit my mother or one of your children?  How many more failed attempts at your marriage are you going to make before you call it quits for good? Why is it that the fact that your children have suicidal thoughts, have attempted to run away, fear their father, have anger issues, punch holes in the wall, think it’s okay to disrespect their mother & drink away their problems b/c that’s what they see their father do seem like it means nothing to you? What are you doing? How do you preach to your children not to do drugs, and get high behind our backs for years? How do you tell your children not to drink and drive, meanwhile you allow them to sit behind the window, waiting to see if you’ll come home alive? Why do you shower so frequently, and wear so much cologne to hide the odours? Why do you always hibernate in your bedroom, instead of spending time with your children and grand-child? Why did you lie to my face when I asked you if you had been smoking? Why do you send me emails about how much you hate my mother, how you married her as her hero, and how you want nothing to do with her in the future? So many questions I have to ask, and I’ll always be unhappy with the answers I know will always be left unsaid. We used to be so close, and even though we live under the same roof, I feel so distant from you. Why do you stress yourself out to the point of self-destruction? Why do you keep making accusations of disloyalty? Why can’t you make everything go back to normal? Why can’t you stop yelling so I can sleep throughout the night? Why do you have to intimidate, and talk down to those who are not as educated as you are? Why do you always have to be in control? Do you even realize that you are blind to your own faults and hypocrisy? Why do you keep refilling your secret supply of addiction? When are you going to realize you are closer to dying every time you flick your lighter? How can you expect so much from your children at a time like this? What are you doing? I thought you were so perfect, so smart, and so intelligent. How did you manipulate my mind to believe such lies? All I want to do is cry. I want the sky to rain tearfully, just to wash away your secrets and lies. I don’t want to hear anymore, I just want to live. I hate the person you’ve become and the role model I once looked up to. Why don’t I believe you when you say you want to move on with your life and start over again? Perhaps b/c my inside sources tell me otherwise. Perhaps b/c I know you can’t get over your addictions, and refuse to seek proper treatment, therefore allowing these seasonal marital wars to continue. What are you doing to yourself, to your family and to your marriage?

What are you going to do?

There seems to be less animosity, but I’ve learned that it’s only an illusion. The calm seems to have settled in, if only for a short time, but my heart still feels like its pounding really fast inside. The fear has turned into relief, the yelling to softer tones, but the drugs increased, and the problems seem to be pushed under the rug. Nothing has been settled. Is it better left that way? Am I just supposed to pretend for the rest of my life that everything will be okay eventually? What are you doing? You transform from being the demon to the sweet father figure just in time for the sun to replace the moon. Are these seasonal outbursts ever going to permanently disappear? Should I hope for a successful marriage in the future between my parents or just accept their failures in order to focus on my own problems? Are you ever going to quit your addictions, or are you going to disgust me and make me not want to have anything to do with you in the future? Are you going to be able to apologize for everything you’ve done and the person you’ve become, or should I just accept your fate? I know you’ve sacrificed your time, and your life to allow us to survive, but does that mean that it is okay to do what you’ve kept on doing? Is it selfish to want nothing to do with a life that was built on secrets and lies in order to survive? How do I make sure I don’t follow in your footsteps to achieve my lifelong goals? How do I make sure I don’t turn out relying on secrets and lies to survive and keep my family alive? How do I make sure I don’t turn out hurting my family with guilt and a burden of dishonesty like you have? How do I make sure my marriage won’t crumble like yours has? How much longer do I have to live like this, watching you through away your life and everything you’ve worked for over the years? What are you going to do about your life, your family’s survival and your marital issues? I’m not your therapist, I’m your daughter! Please all I wish to happen now is for you to dispose of all your drugs & alcohol so that I don’t have to feel these burdens anymore! I can’t focus on my own life b/c you just let the drama keep playing out for years until one day you or someone else will take their life… and then maybe someone will realize how bad the situation really is…