OK im going to be honest… but first il say that i know im stupid, i know im jepordising my own recovery and i know that i shouldnt have done it. So here goes; my friend in prision is sharing a cell with 2 other people he knows from his old home town and they are addicts too… and still using, He asked me would i get some gear and give it to him when he is in court this coming tuesday… i didnt feel pressured into doing it, he just asked and i said yes-obviously without thinking. So today i went to the dealers house and got 4 bags, as soon as i walked out with them in my hand i felt so fucking stupid-how can i have these four bags of heroin on me, im a recovering heroin addict for gods sake. I had a good day up untill then.. anyway i got in my car and i reminded myself to burn one of the bags at the bottom to make sure it was gear in it ( dont know or trust dealers in the area…i suppose it was just old instinct kicking in) so i burned it a little and sure enough it is heroin. I was driving home thinking 'why why why why why did i do this, why did i agree to this and why did i not even think about it before i did it?' I dont really know the answers to those questions ….. well maybe thats its just the old me doing something a friend asked me to do, no matter what it is.. But i never thought of the consequences for myself having these things in my possesion for the next 4 days…. 4 whole days. I feel like dumping them, throwing them down the toilet…anything to get them away from me! I will say that i did have the dessire to just have a little smoke from one of them but i reminded myself that whenever i do that, it always seems like a good idea at the time, im grand when im stoned but after that i am so so so depressed and im just starting to feel better so i KNOW I cant do that to myself again, and i wont.
Please GOD say i wont.Dont let me.
My addictive mind is telling me i can do it but i know i cant, im just going to give them to him and tell him never to ask me to do something like that again cos i cant be in that position, i cant live that life anymore and i cant do drugs because they only lead me to sad, dark , evil places that i dont want to be-ever.
I know there are people who are going to read this and think 'how stupid can you be' …. 'what kind of friend asks u to do that' etc etc etc, and i know im stupid but i just didnt think about it before i did it, and now i suppose its too late, well its too late to go back in time and say no to my friend and not got to the dealers house and all that, but its not too late for me, i dont have to succumb to that evil brown dirt and i wont. Im going to ask for help not to aswell, so anyone whos reading this please see past the stupidity what iv done, please dont think bad of me or my friend but just pray for me, that i dont do anything we all KNOW i would regret.
Im feeling ok though despite it all, i was asked to go to a party tonight-it being halloween but i decided not to, im to tired and its just too cold outside! so im going to stay in with my ma and her partner and my little baby dog and watch tv and be good and boring!
I hope everyone is doing good and enjoying the weekend xxx