It’s Saturday night, yet another night when I’m at home when I should be out doing all those things that 22 year olds do you know, nightclubbing, socializing and just generally having a good time. There used to be a time when I would be getting text messages left right and centre with offers to go out. I turned them down, so maybe that’s why I don’t get them anymore. I’d say no even if I did get asked so I should be down about it. Yet I am. It’s very depressing.
I actually got some sleep last night which is good. I got to bed around 2am I think it was. I think it was the first time that I had actually felt tired at that time of night. My body is soo accustom to staying up to the early hours, usually around 4 or 5am. I slept in until 11am, and found the house empty and silent. This was a bit odd cause I usually at least hear the TV on out in the lounge room. I don’t know if mum came in and told me she was going out. She usually does so I probably was still deep in sleep.
Today my sister introduced me to a game on the internet today, Mystery Case Files. Basically a version of eye spy. I really enjoyed it. We played it for a hour before the “free trial” finished. I think I’m going to by the full version, but I’m not going to be able to do that until this Friday. My sister was disappointed in this, but I just don’t have the money. Infact I have a total of $12 to my name until Friday. I have no idea what I’m going to do. I’m going to run out of pain killers and I have no alcohol. I have already borrowed $20; I may have to borrow again. I hate borrowing money. It makes me feel soo worthless.
I have an appointment with the psychologist again on Tuesday. It seems soo soon. I’ll have to make sure I have enough change to catch the bus. I’m sure I can come up with it somewhere.
Money is just so depressing. I have soo much debt it’s not even remotely funny. I have two credit card debts, I’m still paying off my car, but mum is making those payments for me so I’m thankful for that. I have court fines, some going back years. I have a personal loan that I owe the bank. I owe my lawyers money. I owe this insurance company money from when I drove drunk and hit a car, Even though it wasn’t bad. I owe my old cell phone company money, I owe my old internet provider money.. I even owe the library money. I owe my grandmother money from last Christmas!!! I feel like such a failure. I can’t afford to pay back anyone at the moment. It makes me cry thinking about it. I have debt collectors ringing up almost every day. It’s got to the point that when a “private” number comes up on out phone we don’t answer it, because we KNOW that 99.9% of the time is someone looking for me. I even have my little sister having to make up lies for me. Saying I’m not home when they call. I feel so desperate. I have even considered killing myself over the thought of all this debt. I’m in a lot of financial trouble. I may even have to declare bankruptcy. At my age, that’s unthinkable. It makes me feel so hopeless. What the hell am I going to do? I’m screwed.
I have considered running away. I have considered suicide. This is a big deal. HUGE infact. Even if I were to die, the debt gets rolled onto my family so that would be just another selfish reason for me to kill myself. It gets me out of trouble, but makes it worse for them. In some ways I want to leave them all this debt and end my misery, the only person I care about, that makes me stop is my sister and my Grandparents. Everyone else can go jump as far as I care. My family sucks soo much, Apart from those 3 people of course.
I know that there is going to be a day when I am going to loose my grandparents. I know that I’m not going to be able to cope. I get soo sad even thinking about it. So I’m going to stop.