Not sure how many of you go and how often to the dentist but I was in a study at UNC Chapel Hill for like 3 years in which time they yanked, pulled, grinded and excavated just about everytooth in my head. The result…a moulth feeling like mush. literally. Its disheartening to know that what they are doing is in your best interest and the meds in fact are keeping you alive…….This I know is true regardless of the stories I hear about different oils, snake charms and alternative therapies which alleviate symptoms. There is no cure Im aware but there is also a hightened sense of awareness of who you are the meaning of life and the reality of knowing that in the end the one with the most toys does not win, or do they? having toys means having fun and thats what life should be…not standing on a shore fishing unless thats what sparks your interest. Most days after the gym I come home tired and just want to lay daown, sometimes I just sleep even in the middle of the day which I know is wrong but when your body is telling u something I think u should listen….the days of worrying about credit, fico scores, reputation and work ethic are a thing of the past for me and thats sad. I meet people at the gym from all walks of life….lots of people who work in the sheriffs department…not sure why they just seem to navigate there…..Most are nice and understanding when they find out about me and actually have their own stories to tell….its not all fun and games there either but it has made me think hat maybe my contribution to society was enough, 2 stints in the military, 13 years installing electrical devices in buildings and watching the fruits of my labor but then my mind tells me I SHOULD do more yet my therapists says there are no SHOULDS…..either way I know right from wrong and sometimes being on disability just feels wrong…like Im not contributing to the betterment of anything anymore….just existing month to month to get another check which helps pay for my sons education and everything else….I realize that somethings are meant to be and others arwent. I was talking with a guy today that works for the Sheriffs dept and he was telling me people scam the government all the time and most dont even need resources…meaning they are not ill and are able bodied and can process information correctly….can stand 8 hrs but yet they opt to collect services. I dont like feeling like Im in that catergory and it makes me feel sad that after so many productive years this is the outcome….after times being homeless only to pick myself up and go on and get a degree work another 15 years and have a repuation and good standing I am now just on the downhill slope suffering from the after effects of being hiv pos for 15 years and having AIDS for 5. I am still a human being and want to keep feeling that way….not some has been sitting on the government roles staring at a calendar. Therapy has helped but it can never replace what is lost in a million years. I would rather be free of this illness than win a million bucks but thats just me. Until then Ill continue to blog, play wii workout and try and be a good father but thats all I think i have the energy to muster these days. They say looks are decieving and this disease surely does a number on the ones who suffer from it. In a perfect world everything would be perfect but its not and I accept that. I only hope my son will grow up and not make the same mistakes his dad did.