Where to start. W h e r e t o s t a r t… . . .
I need to stop distracting myself. I don't know if this entire blog entry will make sense to anyone, so I apologise. Apologies… Apologises are stupid. I'm fed up of sorry. Show me. Give me something to make me feel your 'sorry'. Let mefeel.Feel. I heard a lyric in a song the other day, 'I cut myself to see if I still bleed'. I don't know my feelings about this lyric (she says, whilst sporting a nice selection of roughly 30 scars across her inner arm and hands) this lyric confuses me a bit, because I know I still bleed, I know I'm human.. Most of the time I know I feel. I feel like crying. I feel like smiling. I feel like laughing. I feel like screaming. I feel like lashing out. I feel like pulling my hair out. I feel like punching something. I don't KNOW what to feel. I don't like it when people ask me how I feel when I don't know. I really want to tell them. I want to tell someone, including myself, how I feel. But it's not as easy as that. I think that makes it harder. By the way, since I was last active on here, I got a tattoo! I will try and upload a picture, it's on my scar arm, 'let it be' with 3 butterflies. I got it because the quote let it be defines and means a lot. It's beautiful. And butterflies are beautiful, also the self harm rep.
So basically a lot of shit has happened. I'm not going to go into detail as I'm writing this now, on my phone, in bed, and really I just need people to talk to so I don't want to make it longer than it is.
In September, I started college. I was doing level 3 travel and tourism. I was pretty impressed I got onto a level 3 course, as usually it goes level 1,2, then 3. But I got an A* in English so they bumped me up! At first, it was ok. I made a couple of friends. I think a few people didn't like me really, I don't know why beause I thought I was nice to them? But the course was quite boring. I tried really hard though with my work, (when I could concentrate that is, I've now been put on equasym XL for 'ADHD') when I tried I got distinctions! But basically I ended up leaving after a couple months. I got my job back at a little cafe where I used to work before I quit because my boss was quite nasty and I kept feeling depressed. So I started working as well as college, but being able to get money got to me more than going to college doing a course I didn't enjoy, I actually want to be a social worker, I've known for years I have, but at the time when I was enroling to college I wasn't sure what I wanted. So really I should of done health and social care. So I worked more and didn't go to college and eventually they kicked me out. So I carried on working, my boss moved to a bigger place, a cafe bar, 12 tables indoor and 4 outside. Nice place! I was made head of staff, and I worked about 5 days a week, 8 hour days. At first it was 10 hour days. The other week I did a 14 hour shift with a 5 min break, that's it. So basically, my boss is a horrible man. He has no respect for others, he's only in for himself and money. He talks to me awfully. He jokes about me when I get pressured. Calls me names. I told him once I had to go to a mental health appointment and he made a joke. He expects me to work 15 hours with no breaks. So not this Saturday gone, the one before, I was on my way to work. And I ended up having a panic attack. My boyfriend (of nearly 6 months, there's A LOT to tell about that but I'll tell another time) managed to pull over the car and attempt to calm me down. My lips had swelled up almost to the point where I couldn't talk, my chest and neck now had a big red rash, I was shaking and crying. He went in to my work and quietly and nicely explained what had happened to my boss, how I was feeling under pressure etc, that I'm in the car now and I'm going to try and calm down. He was quite nice to my boyfriend, but saying I always have a problem? I don't. And he doesn't have time for this, he has a business to run, I should just go to the doctor. So I plucked up the courage to go in. I wanted to show him I wasn't lying. He looked at me as if I should of been in a padded cell in a straight jacket. I told him I wasn't feeling well and he basically told me I'm a waste of time, I need to 'get my head sorted' I'm clearly mentally ill and to go away. I ended up bursting into tears and walking out. So I lost my job over having a panic attack.
This comes to now. I don't really know what to feel. I've been staying with my boyfriend at his house now for about a month. It's confusing because I haven't actually moved in, I've got quite a bit of stuff here and it looks like I have, but it haven't if you understand. He's also going through a bit of stress so I like to support him, and, which is quite annoying, I've become quite attached.. Even when I go home for a couple hours to see my mum, he either comes with me or when he's not there I want to be with him. I think I get this attached over men because of issues in my past. I'm not sure. But I've been here every day especially since I left my job. I wake up each morning now at around 11am-12pm. The night before I always tell myself I'll get up, go to the gym.. Go shopping with a bit of money I have left.. Tidy the house.. Start giving out CVs.. But it never happens. And I think that's what's making me feel so bad. I feel lazy. I feel useless. I feel like my life is going no where. But each time I try and do these things, even though I do honestly feel like doing them, it feels like there's a little string slowly pulling me back.. Then I always end up saying ill do them tomorrow. as we all know, tomorrow never comes. I'm very close with my mum. At home it's just my mum and my little sister and my mums boyfriend Frank, who is very lovely and funny. They've only been together now for about 7 months, he doesn't livethere but he's around a lot. This is the longest time I've been away from my mum. I'm surprised she's ok with it! I'm glad she's happy though. She suffers with Bipolar and fibromyalgia. Some days I want to go home, spend time with my family again like I always used to, because I told my mum I haven't moved out and she knows I haven't. I feel like I'm missing out on everything they're doing. My sister is growing up so fast. She's 14 now! She suffers with mild asbergers. But she's a young lady now! Moody teen! But everytime I'll think I'll go home, start staying at home more, I start thinking. But I'll miss Levar (boyfriend), I don't want to be on my own, what if I get bored, what if when I'm at home, Levar talks to another girl? What if when I'm at home he stops liking me? So I stay here. Not like I don't want to be here because I do! But I don't want to lose contact with my mum. I love her so much. I love my little family. I just feel so down right now. I feel like I want to be doing something, but I always end up trudging back up the stairs and hiding in bed. Levar doesn't really understand it. He tries to joke around and make me laugh but that makes me irritated. And I don't want to take it out on him! I just feel so confused, so worthless. I don't know what to do anymore. I don't want to hurt anyone. I want to love people. Make people know I love them. But how can I do that when I feel like this.