So as far as my day goes not really in the mood for anything, anyone, or something. If all that makes sense, I am actually so bummed out. Just trying to get out of this slump I am in. About 2 weeks ago I ran out of my medication for my depression. SO the medication has completely ran out of my system and now its back to my lame unhappy self. Unfortunally I dont have insurance nor pennies in the bank to cover the cost. It has been hard to find a free mental health clinic around here. Maybe i am not searching correctly. I hate that I am like this, i want to be normal. Not get so easily frustrated, cry different times during the week. I feel completely alone. My dad tells me everything will be alright just to put priorities first and then go from there. I guess i can tell my story on here, since i feel more comfortable explanining why i am the way i am:
I started noticing I was "sad" when I was about 15 or so. Always Thinking about negative things and my days always felt gloomy. I felt as though there was this weight on my shoulders and couldnt escape from it. I told my parents and they didnt see it as a sign of depression. Just me being a teen. SO i never got help or anything. Just dealt with it.I got married when I was 18 right out of HS. I was married for 6 years and I was in a physical and mentally abusive relationship. The X always made me feel bad about myself and told me that my depression was an excuse for the way I was. Go figure. During my 4th year of marriage, I decided to find help. I have anxiety depression or something of that nature. Went to a psychologist and psychirotrist. Finally got on medication. YAY! everything was looking up and I felt better. I got pregnant and had to come off the meds. Just so it didnt interfere with my childs wel being. I would say I was a bitch 93% of the time. Well once my lil girl was born, my doctor put me back on Effexor. And I was competely fine with that. Unfortunally with that medication, if you miss a day, you get physically ill. So i changed to Prozac, and I loved it. Well when you get a divorce benefits go away and I end up with no insurance. Thank god i had many refills left. I however during seperation, starting dating this guy. I really did fall in love with him but he used me. Used me as far as financially and emotionally. It was like trying to raise another child. So i end up in debt and breaking it off with him in Feb of this year. And yes I broke his heart but I was so tired of his BS and I was no longer connected to him and in love with him. SO now I am single. I try and find ways to beat my depression. Unfortunally going in the incorrect route. Like going out with my gf and getting drunk. Ending up with some random guy. Keeps me happy for A sec and then I end up alone. And all at this time I am really interested in this guy and we have fun together. Have a real connection and he is really something different than what I am used to. But I am starting to get addicted to this unruly behavior of going out and getting drunk and meaningless sex. AM i using that opportunity to get away from depression? Or am I just selfish? God what is wrong with me? I just want to be a mellow and be super happy. My heart is full of scars, my soul is starting to turn for the worst, and I am a lost person in this big world.
Sometimes I wont get out of bed, or I am in bad mood. Dont want to talk to anyone and just want to be alone. I am completely suffering here. Wheres my happiness filled with puppies kitties and rainbows?