How my mental problems plague me! What to do? I've been to a therapist. I've been to years of therapy. It was never called that, though. Does that mean it's different? Point is, I've been to mental health professionals. They gave me trauma. When you have mental problems they suggest going to see a mental health "professional" and yet, I already have and it did nothing to make me better… it was always a drag, it was always like I was under a microscope, it was always like I need to smile, act perfect, repeat, until it's over and I'm a model citizen, better acting then anyone else in my class. It didn't matter if it wasn't what I thought what was best, or if the way I was, was the best way to make it in my situation… nope… I had to practice their methods no matter how frivilious they were in the ghetto… hey, man, don't shoot! Let's talk this motherfucker out! Let's calmly express our feelings, hug, and find a workable compromise. How about, we both shoot at the same time and we both shoot at non vital organs? Yay! Let's drink tea and wear a smiley face badge! HAHA!

I've been though so much abuse. I have OCD. I have these… emotional blackouts… I go totally deadened… it's a coping method but sometimes it goes too far and I get masochistic… like, I need to stress so I can get a job… I don't stress and I have no motivation to get a job… so I don't get a job… and I suffer because I am poor. Some days I am really suffering. I need a job. I also have… sort of split personality… I talk to myself internally. I say something like, "Mary you can do it! We can do it! No, I can do it. Stop thinking like that! I can think like that if I want to think like that, how is this relevant to me motivating myself?" My name is not Mary. My boyfriend has said my mental problems are no biggie. He's pretty mental, though. I've been told I come off well… and I really try… I do… I just don't know. I've been feeling weak, mentally, lately. I've been feeling depressed, dragged down by something… Sometimes I am so strong! Sometimes, I'm fucking fierce! What to do… I wish someone could take the pain away… Yeah. Whoever's out there… let's bond and send out good energy… let's rise from the ashes like the pheonix! Haha. Ugh. I sort of know it's just me… motivating myself… loving myself… getting myself anywhere… but there's got to be a better way… one is the lonliest number…song.. laaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa…… Well, I stayed up all night, wanting to stop being an idiot, but feeling unable to. I was in such a deadened state. I will be exhausted today. I (probably) won't get much done. I didn't want this. It's really powerful. It's like there is no much hurting me, it needs to be expressed, let out, but I don't know how, so I get like this… and then I just do nothing but mull around… act miserable… do shit that ends up hurting me… I keep being affected by the negativity. I keep trying to tune it out but it's hard. I'm sensitive to it. People need to shut da fuck up. Trying. I haven't given up yet. When will it get better? I want to be sucessful in life.

2 Comments
  1. minimalist 9 years ago

    @ FortyFour

    I want to go to school but I don't have the money or time. I need a job, an income, first, before I can worry about school. When the time comes that I can… I might be able to get funding. I mean, seriously, with the situation I'm in I need to focus on my basic needs first. I know there are ways to do both work and school, and I may look into – pursue that.

    I believe I have OCD, and I don't care what anyone else thinks. What do you mean by a pension? Do you mean, like, disability? I might be able to get disability… but I know so little about it and I heard that I should work whether I'd get it or not… to support myself before I'd get it and once I have it because it pays little. I have a lot of mental problems… yes… but without going to a therapist… I don't think I'd get it… and I have no interest in going to one and having another bad experience…  

    I'd like to meditate, but I find it hard to "turn off" my mind… be peaceful… for a long time I had a very demanding lifestyle that left me with nearly no time for myself, nor to meditate. In fact, I think that's a part of why I find it hard to be selfish and do for myself… that's another issue I am currently dealing with.

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  2. minimalist 9 years ago

    @ trustyourself

    I don’t believe in God. I believe my father is the most religious man I will ever know. I hate him. I don’t want to be anything like him. Yeah, maybe you could say he’d got it all wrong or something… but… I’ve had a lot of religious education, too, and it’s just not my thing.

    I get what you mean about being optimistic. Pretty much everyone needs to be.

    I have had OCD my whole life, since I was a baby. When I was about 3 years old I remember doing things like… hitting my foot, then hitting the other one until the pain was the same in both feet, writing a word, erasing it, writing it again, over and over, because I didn’t like the way it looked, I didn’t think it was perfect enough. I remember using a ruler, compass, and other tools in Art class to create as close to perfect shapes as possible. Everyone told me it didn’t matter, but I was obsessed with it. Many told me I created very beautiful art, though. So that validated that what I did was worth it. Many said, "She’s just a perfectionist. You need to stop. You procrastinate and take forever because you insist on your work being as good as you can possibly make it. Just do it. It doesn’t need to be perfect. You’ll still get an A!" I had an all or nothing mentality. I clung to my mother and a couple other people. Well, I don’t need to keep going on… my point is… I’ve had it my whole life and done well in spite of it. My thoughts? I frequently do things to numb and distract myself. They’re not too bad… they’re like listening to Dubstep, being a work-a-holic, being around people all of the time, just doing, doing, doing, not being alone… it’s sad because I should get some alone time… currently, it doesn’t do much. I can be strong and get over this, but I’m just not right now. It’s better to be doing, with people, then alone. It’s a constant battle, yes, there are some good things about it, ways it can be expressed… at least that’s how I try to look at it… I have considered seeing someone for the OCD, but yes, I am scared. I have never seen a specialist, only general therapists, and was never there for my OCD. I could try it, and I may one day. I don’t think the OCD is anymore deblilitating than normal. It gets worse when I’m stressed out, of course, and eases when I am relaxed… It makes things worse when they are already bad, but… I don’t think it’s the main thing hurting me here… I don’t know what it. It’s probably many things. That’s usually how it works.

    p.s. Today was an okay day. I did get stuff done. 🙂

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